What I really think of your husband.

What I really think of your husband. 
Most of my friends are married now. It's the circle of life it seems, especially at my age. I love my married friends and I cherish the time I spend with them. They have such a different set of priorities then my single friends and I love listening to their recounts of their lives so full of love.  

During this season of my life I've had some strange comments from my beautiful bride friends that have been impossible to ignore such as:  

"Are you jealous that I'm getting married and you're not?" 

"Do you mind if my hubby stays at home when you come over?"

"Do you think my husband is hot?"  

It's made me think that maybe my friends are wondering what I really think of their husbands, their marriage and how life as changed, perhaps they are trying to figure out where I now can be placed within their world? 

I thought maybe we could catch up over a cup of coffee and I could share with you what enters my mind when I think about your husband. 

"I'll have a strong latte thanks"

Firstly, please keep in mind these are general thoughts and are not aimed at any particular friend of mine. They are the way I think and may not reflect every single girl's thoughts but I'm sure they speak for some. 


1. First things first (I'm a realist). I think your husband is great! 
I love LOVE and I love that you are LOVED! There is someone in this world who loves and sees in you what I see. He wants to protect you and care for you and have babies with you. This is the best thing I could have ever hoped for. As long as he continues to love and protect you I will be his number two fan (because you are his number one of course) 


2. I'm not jealous. 
I don't want to marry him. Sorry, I know you can't keep your hands off him and he's the best looking thing ever. But I'm cool with not feeling that way about him, as are both of you I'm sure. I'm not jealous because he's the one for you and not the one for me. Yes I want the marriage thing eventually but I'm happy to wait for my person. You can keep yours. 


3. I don't have the hots for him.

If you are familiar with scrubs you will remember the episode where JD notices a "new" hot girl at the hospital. The twist is she's not new, she was just wearing a wedding ring before and now she's not. JD has a thing where married women are literally invisible to him. I like to think I'm that way about married men and men in relationships. Not everyone is this way to be fair, but I am (I even feel bad about liking married celebrities). I genuinely don't have the hots for your husband or boyfriend. He doesn't even register in my man radar (come on singles, you are lying if you say you don't have one). Can I see that he is a good looking man that photographs well? Yes. Do I think he's hot? Nah. 


4. Don't you forget about me now that you have him. 
Please don't forget about me now that you are married. Please invite me over or out from time to time. I don't ask for myself sometimes because I'm trying to respect your time and your commitments to your beautiful family. Please don't just ditch me for just the married friends. I can be a great 5th or 7th wheel I promise. 
 I also won't get upset at you if you chose your husband over me. If you say "I can't come because the hubster wants time" I will never make you feel bad. This is your number one relationship and I respect that. However please don't use him as an excuse if you don't want to go somewhere. It's just as bad as you saying the "my mum said I can't sleep over" lie we used to say in high school. I can see through it and prefer the truth.  
My single friend made the statement recently, 
"I understand that I'm not their number one person, however, I wish she would consider that sometimes she is my number 1. So when she bails or doesn't make an effort it hurts."
Honestly, I probably won't tell you at the time that I'm hurt, I don't want to be someone who emotionally blackmails you or makes you regret your decisions to hang with your hubby. I will just quietly move on with my life hoping that you will contact me. I may stop trying after a while though. 


4. I would love to hang out with you and the hubster sometimes.
He is a part of you. I understand you better when I hang out with him too. Don't send him away every time I pop over. If I need to D&M* I will give you the heads up. Sometimes I need the married mans perspective too. 

Like when I need to decipher a cryptic message from a boy, I occasionally need a guy to say "Yeah he probably just means exactly what he said" or some other genius statement like that. 

5. Protect my heart. 
I'm cool with you telling him some stuff about me but please respect that somethings are private. I can only truly share my heart with you if I trust you. If I want perspective from him I will ask. Some secrets are yours to share but some are mine. Please be respectful with things that are deep in my heart. 


6. Protect his reputation.
What you say to me about your husband will resonate a long time with me. If you are constantly complaining and telling me what a terrible man he is then I will believe you. Remember that I'm not going home to make up (out) with him so I'm gonna stay mad long after the fight is finished between you two. I want my friend treated right. So if you need to complain put a disclaimer in front, tell me the good things too. 

I have a friend who is brilliant at doing this. She will complain that he didn't help around the house but in the next breath tell me about how romantic he is and how he made her favourite dinner and put all the kids to bed before she go home. She is real about her relationship. She isnt the victim of a terrible marriage, he isnt the hero of the world. They are just real people and I am, as a result, a massive fan of her husband. When she does complain, I can remind her of what an absolute legend he is. When she gloats I can roll my eyes and secretly be grateful for the great marriage model she is displaying. 

I want to be the biggest cheerleader for your relationship so give me all the information so I can support both of you to fight for your marriage. 


7. Protect my reputation. 
In the same way, when you have an issue with me and complain to him remember that he wants to protect you first. He will believe your side even when you know that's not the whole truth. If you spin a web of stories about how much of a massive 'Itch with a B' I am then he will believe you. Do you think he's gonna want you hanging out with me even after you've gotten over it?

 I've seen it happen that a husband is so protective of his wife that he's encouraged and supported the breakdown of friendships because he only know the worst parts. Tell him the good things too. You want him to be saying 

"You've had a hard day, go see your girls and unwind".  

Not "Stay away from that she-devil, she's gonna make your day harder". 

I'm not saying don't bare your soul. I'm just saying be honest and real about the situation. Be fair to him and me.  

9. I respect your marriage. 
I am determined to be respectful of your relationship. I won't text him unless you are aware of the texting that is going on or we are organising a surprise for you. I don't have a reason to text him and I want you to feel so secure in our relationship being an open book. This isn't every single girl's policy, but it is important to me.  


10. I'm not your marriage councillor. 
Marriage is hard (so I'm told). I'm not married and I never have been. Don't come to me for marriage or relationship advice. I give the illusion of being wise and insightful (and I totally am) but I can't talk about what I don't know about. I've given the worst possible advice to my married friends in the past, thankfully they didn't take it and are still married. #sorryboutit  

I hope you see my heart when I share my perspective on the role of the single girl in your married world. 

 What do you do as a single to keep your friendships with marrieds alive? How does it feel to be married with single friends? What are your thoughts on the singles and marrieds dynamic? 

 Shannon xxx