Soulmates don't exist.

Boom! Did I just blow your mind? 

When I was in year 3 I entered a story book competition. I had to write a story and then draw pictures with the hopes that I would win the grand prize of having it published. My teacher was very eager for me to enter because she said she loved my stories and pictures. 

I only wrote about one thing. I only drew one thing. I'm sort of embarrassed that I'm even sharing this... Please don't think less of me...

I wrote love stories about princes and princesses. All my princesses were blonde with freckles. All my princes had horses. 

I was very disappointed to learn that I did not with that nationally run prize and have my story sent to the masses. I was surprised because I had written the ultimate love story. I can't remember what the story was but if I do I will be sure to try and resubmit it to some publishers. 

You see, I had grown up in the golden era of Disney princesses and wanted to be a part of that world (pun intended). 

Girl stole my life. 

Okay, enough about my princess complex. Even today I speak to single girls, young and old and there is one thread that seems to unite most of them. The hope of the happily-ever-after. For their own love story to start. To meet their soul mate. Guys too, they may have acted a little more macho about it and talk about the teenage mutant ninja turtles and He-man but I know, (I have brothers) that they snuck in and watched their sister's movies dreaming to meet their soulmates or at least someone who cooks like their mum.

This story is encouraged by well meaning folk. Parents, aunts, uncles, strangers on the bus often have comments like 
"Don't worry, he's out there" 
"The One will find you when you least expect it" 
"Your soul mate is searching for you too". 
I love my friends who say that, who offer hope and believe the best. But... I'm sorry, stop the presses... Soulmates don't exist. 

Ugh sorry if that was a punch in the gut. That felt sickening to write. I still don't want to admit it. Because to admit that there is no soulmate for me leaves me with the thought "If I want to find a life partner I'm going to have work at it" and those who know me well know that I really do hate work. 

Greek philosopher Plato was the person who introduced the world to the concepts of soul mates. According to Greek mythology some people were born with four legs and four arms and Zeus split them in two. They now and forevermore wander the world looking for each other never feeling complete. 

There are so many holes in this concept yet we swallow this philosophy hook line and sinker never questioning its very foundation. In fact people get married to who they suppose is their soul mate only to find that they don't fulfil them for the long term and they begin to see all the parts of their life where they are left incomplete. What is the alternative? Living with holes simply will not do. If that person does not completely fit into your life then they simply aren't the one. Having a soulmate means that you don't have to work to keep a relationship. It means it's either meant to be or not. Why not divorce that person and carry on? After all, if that person fails then your soul mate must be still out there right? Is he?

"Okay Shannon, I get your point, so tell me, how is this soul mate theory not true? 

Firstly the guy credited in inventing or certainly perpetuating this myth believed in Zeus and believed we were created with four arms and four legs. If this doesn't discredit him, how about the fact that it was only some humans created this way, not all. What if you were one of the ones who missed out? No Soulmate for you! Why? You weren't born a mutant.

What if your soulmate dies before you meet them? Or a year into your marriage? Are you stuffed for life because your soulmate is gone? What if your soul mate is a mega loser with no job, no ambition and a foul temper? There are mega losers out there, someone has to match them, maybe that's your lot in life? What if your soulmate is married to someone else? 

What about choice? I like to have a choice in what outfit I wear, what house I buy, how I wear my hair, why would I get no choice in a life partner? 

If there is no soul mates then what? What is the actual point? What actually is out there? 

I love the phrase we often refer to in our singledom to talk about the person we will marry and spend the rest of our lives with: The One. I like the idea of The One immensely. It's so romantic really. To think that there is this One person out there. It's beautiful. however, if we are not careful, The One can be used simultaneously with the concept of Soul Mate. 

But wait... What if you've already been married though? Or what if your first partner dies? Can you call a second person The One if you called the first person The One? Was the second person really The One and the first the one before The One? This is so confusing! 

When I'm confused about anything I turn to the bible to make sense of the world. 

“‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.””‭‭Mark‬ ‭10:7-9 

This is amazing. This scripture is written many times in the bible about two becoming one. Reminds me of a Spice Girls song. 

It seems that God does have an answer for "The One" issue. The person you marry is one whole person and you are one whole person. Together, through the divine mathematics of love and God, you don't become two, you become The One together. You don't meet The One, you become The One. 

You don't fulfil every need for them and they don't fulfil your every need. Instead you compliment each other and bring out as much as you can for each other. You do have to work hard to meet your partner's needs. Because you love them, you sacrifice for them and they sacrifice for you. There will be gaps, he doesn't Jerry McGuire you. Only God can fill the spaces in between. I like to think of Him as the No More Gaps that sticks you two together. 

I love how the bible describes this process in the follow passage, that is quite often used in wedding readings. 

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4:9-12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

God is all for marriage. He loves it, supports it and blesses it. A cord of three strands not two? This speaks of God being part of your relationship. The third stand that strengthens you. 

"Okay so we have that sorted. We don't have a soulmate, The One is actually me plus partner plus God. That's lovely. But I'm single. Am I ever going to get married? Does God actually have a plan to get me with a single person that is even remotely kissable? If nobody is coming to find me, if there is no prince riding by then how is this even going to happen" I hear you say. 

Firstly calm down. 

Secondly, this bit is tricky, my housemate and I have been debating this for days. It's the case of fate versus choice. Can God truly give us freedom of choice and still plan for us to meet someone? Is it all up to us? 

Well, that is a huge topic on its own. This article seems to some up some thoughts rather well, at least far better than I would. http://www.gotquestions.org/fate-destiny.html

What do you think about all this? Were you destined to meet your partner? What roles do destiny, choice and chance have to play in your life? What about the "I knew i had met my wife" factor or the "I had a dream he was my husband"? My housemate reckons that it's a case of the exception not the rule in these scenarios. 
I'm not so sure. My romantic heart still likes to believe that God is the ultimate matchmaker. Honestly, I still am not entirely sure how it works. Is anybody? 

 Love Shannon 
xxx