Today I made a coffee, just an instant (a girl has to make do some days) and when I poured in the milk the coffee immediately curdled. Me, being an idiot needed to taste the milk just to be sure it was off. After 4 minutes of vomiting I can confirm it was. I think that’s what regret tastes like. Sour, vomit inducing milk.
There has been a lot of talk recently, certainly in the circles I’m involved with about a concept called “self-love”. The idea of loving and accepting who we are and testing ourselves well. I’ve liked the idea, I certainly know that I need to work on who I talk to myself and treat myself but honestly, it’s really something I’ve added to my list of shoulds.
My list of shoulds change from day to day. They include but are not limited to:
- make my bed each day
- Eat clean
- Exercise
- Find an NHS doctor
- Go to the dentist
- Pluck my brows
- Love myself
- Save money
- Blog more
- Devise a pedicure routine
- Devise a maintenance routine (how do girls stay put together and still, you know, live?)
- Finish all the unfinished books in my phone
- Call my mum more
- Call friends
- Make new friends
Everyone has these lists. Things that they know they should be doing instead of reading blogs, watching Netflix, eating ice cream or picking theirtoes. But as life gets busy, as we make commitments to work, family and friends we often put the “shoulds” on the shelf.
Sadly, we often leave the shoulds on the shelf so long they become “could’ves”.
I’ve spent my life with a shelf full of “shoulds”. In fact when I lived alone for a year I realised I had accumulated a whole spare room full of “could’ves”. Including but not limited to:
- exercise equipment
- Clothes that didn’t fit I had never returned
- Clothes I no longer fit because I could’ve exercised more
- Half completed craft activities
- Decor for an event business I could’ve put more work into
- Gardening equipment for a garden I could’ve kept alive
You won’t believe how big my bulk rubbish was before I moved out. So much money down the drain.
My best friend moved to England 10 years ago. Every second year she would come home for Christmas. We would catch up and I would say “I’m going to save and come and see you, I just need to save”. We would talk about what I was going to do when I got there. And then every year I would never make it a reality. I should’ve saved a little each week. I could’ve gone and saw her while she was in England. She lived there for 5 years. But it became a sour could’ve I had put on the shelf.
As you get older you begin to realise that time passes anyway. Whether you save or don’t, the time will pass. If you exercise or don’t, the same time will pass. You will still be standing there in 5 days, 5 months, 5 years and be wondering why you didn’t just do a little bit day to day.
I am reading an amazing book “Girl Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis. The first chapter talks about the promises you make to yourself. How she has made the decision to be the last person she breaks a promise to rather then the first. How if you decide that you are not going to let yourself down, that you will be someone who follows through you really start to focus on your commitment. Instead of saying yes to 100 things that week and then not really committing to any of them, your start to value your time and word and commit solidly to a few things.
So this is what I have decided to do. I’m unpacking my giant bag of “Shoulds” I packed with me from Perth. I’m going to lay them all out and decide what 4 things I can commit to. The rest, I’m throwing in the bin. Because when you love someone you are committed to them, you don’t want to let them down and you don’t lie to them. I’m changing my “shoulds” to “I am committed to’s”. I am choosing to respect my decisions and value them.
I chose the commitments based on my past regrets. What, if I don’t do it now, will I regret the most once it’s sour? The thing that was the most important was not missing my friends wedding in December. So that is my number one thing I am not breaking a promise about.
P.S - not all my should’ves have turned to sour could’ves. I did end up visiting my friend. 9 years after she moved, I visited her. She now lives in France and deciding to visit her was the catalyst for the biggest move I ever made a year later. So you know, it was totally worth taking that one off the shelf.
