Negative talk, how to stop being your own bully

I have this lady who works with me. Every time she makes a mistake she yells at herself, "Oh, you are such an idiot, you are so stupid". It comes out of nowhere this exclamation of self loathing. This aggressive self talk. It shocks me to the core. She is far from stupid or incapable yet she talks to herself with such intense hatred. 

I think the thing that shocks me the most is the fact that I do this in my mind too. "Oh Shannon, you are so annoying." "Shannon, nobody cares about that" "Don't post blogs, it clutters people's feeds" 

"You look really gross today, look at those bags under your eyes" 

"Your bum is way to big for those pants" 

I could go on and on. 

Note:This is one of these posts where I talk about something private and vulnerable in the hope that people can connect and recognise their own negative thoughts and mind patterns. This is for people who appear confident but are locked inside of their mind with fear, self doubt and insecurity. This is not really about me but about you. 

 

I have a friend who can't plan anything exciting without thinking of the worst case scenarios every time. She is trapped inside her own neurosis of fear and dread for the future. Yet if you met her you would think she is the boldest person you know. She has skills coming out of every pore of her being. Her fear keeps her grounded when she has the strength and ability to fly higher then most people. 

I have another friend who lives her life feeling misunderstood. She she feels like her personality is annoying, she feels like she comes across as bossy or controlling yet she only wants to convey the love and passion she feels for what she does. She feels like she has the defend and explain everything she does. She doesn't participate in some things because it is easier to not be involved then to be misunderstood. 

I have a friend who feels like she is always the ugliest one in her group of friends. As a beautiful single girl she has made herself unapproachable to guys because she can't believe for a second that they would want talk to her. She ignores them before they ignore her. Her fear of rejection ensures she rejects first. She has missed out on so many life experiences because she can't see who she truly is. 

These three girls are the only thing  standing in their way of becoming all that God called them to become. From having ALL that God called them to have. Their mind is holding them back from the magnificent ways their lives could be. 

I was reminded by what my housemate spoke to me about yesterday. The scripture she is living on at the moment is this scripture. 

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

The opposite of doing this looks like the following 

"Finally, bothers and sisters, whatever is a lie, whatever is low, whatever is wrong, what ever is contaminated, whatever is ugly, whatever is disgusting- if anything is poor quality or gossip worthy - think about such things."

My gosh, how confronting when you think of it in this way? How terrible to have our mind filled with such disgusting things? We would not wish this on anyone. How could anyone have anything positive be made from such thoughts? 

How do we focus on what is good? 

1. Capture your thoughts. 

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5 

Thoughts are not supposed to live free range in your head. They are not supported by RSPCA.

When you are at work or studying you control your mind to keep focused on the task at hand. If you allowed your thoughts to run free you probably wouldn't have a job for long. You certainly wouldn't be able to pass an exam. Don't believe the lie that because you think it, it is true. 

To make your thoughts obedient to Christ means, in my opinion, to think about yourself and others the way Christ would think about them. 

What would Christ say about you? Probably not "what a stupid loser, I bet everybody is noticing your giant pimple today" 

2. Don't listen to the accuser. 

The devil is referred to in scripture as the accuser, the slanderer, the father of lies, the murderer, the deceiver, the adversary among other things. 

“Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: “Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Messiah. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony;"

‭‭Revelation‬ ‭12:10-11‬ ‭NIV‬

How do you know if your thoughts are yours or being deposited by the accuser? For me I think about my thought patterns. Is this something that I think about often or is it a sudden and ferocious thought? Can I control it or does it continue to hound me? When I feel like it's a spiritual attack I get help. I ask someone to pray with me. I ask for "the blood of the lamb" this is fancy words for asking Jesus to intervene. 

I also overcome it by the "word of my testimony" this basically means I declare out loud what God has done for me, I declare that he has not let me down yet and that he will continue to look after me. I 

Remind myself of all the good things that God has done. 

3. Surround yourself with people who are kind to you

There are times when you need your people to remind you what is real and what is not. Some friends will tell you only kind things, others will tell you only your bad qualities. Keep the first one, ditch the second (I mean, really are they actually a friend) and find a third kind. 

The best kind of friend is the sort that knows when to be kind and when to be honest, how to be honestly kind (genuine) and kindly honest (real). 

Hold on to people who build you up. I used to have a friend who was great fun and certainly liked me well enough to spend time with me. She, however, was so brutally honest with her version of the truth about me that it started to become a very negative influence in my life. I would drive home after hanging with her and cry. While the hangs were fun, the underlying comments were not. For years I didn't realise the root cause of feeling so low after hanging with her. Great friends make you feel better about yourself when you leave them. They find your gold and celebrate it. 

I have another friend that I called the other day. I was talking to her about something I was deciding that wasn't sitting right with me in the gut. "Is it because I'm sensing that this is wrong for me?" I asked. 

She listened, she asked more questions and then she gave me her opinion on the matter. 

"Shannon," she said, "this is your fear talking. The decision isn't wrong but your fear is telling you it is. You need to be brave and heart racing, feeling sick to the stomach, do it anyway" 

She was kindly honest. She pointed out what I needed without hurting me or pulling me down. I left the conversation wanting to put my boxing gloves on and fight.

 

The other day at church I was given a vision of a girl sitting huddled in the corner of a prison cell. In rags she sat, huddled and clothed in fear and hatred. Then God showed me that the door to her cell was open. If she could only stand up and walk towards the door she could have her freedom. 

"But God," I whispered. "How does she stand up, how do we stand up? I can see the open door, how do I walk through it?" 

"You are free" he whispered. "Get up and walk out the door. The only thing stopping you is you."

Shannon 

Xxx

What I would say to my 13 year old self

When I was thirteen I was given a class project to write a biography based on my life as a thirty year old. I wrote the first 13 years as a biography and the rest as I wished and hoped it would be. 

My school mates wrote about getting married and having kids but I took it further than that. I wrote about being a successful actress, looking like a blonde Drew Barrymore and being married to Dean Cain. I had 2 perfect children and at 30 years old I had it all together and was look back at my very long life with fond memories. 

Me at 30 years old. 

The reality is that at 33 years old I feel like I had barely scratched the surface of living. I only have just begun to see who I really am and make decisions based on what I know to be a true reflection of me. 

I'm not an actress, I don't look like Drew Barrymore did in the nineties, and unfortunately I am not married to Clark Kent (Dean, if you are reading this, I'm still keen for that date). But gosh damn it, my life is absolutely brilliant and perfectly messy. 

My hot husband.

Inspired by my dear friend Jacque (who sometimes substitutes as my mum when mums not in town) I thought I would write to my 13 year old self and offer some sage advice.   

Dear Shannon, 

I know you worry a lot about your future and so I wanted to fill you in on some things that might help you have peace. Firstly, don't worry so much. You have had a pretty incredible life and it's only going to get better. You did it! You graduated highschool and got a great job. You are successful and happy and as busy as you ever dreamed of. Life isn't easy, but it's not supposed to be, and I won't tell you any specifics about your life because I've learnt that life is about the unknown. Trust me you don't want to know. 

1. You are going to do so much more then you can even dream of. You will travel the world to places you've not even heard of. You will study subjects you don't even know exist. You will see musicals and concerts and have amazing nights out with incredible people. You will plan for amazing nights and they will sometimes be duds. Other times, spontaneous plans will deliver lasting memories. Be spontaneous. Be adventurous. My advice is "always do the thing" don't be too scared to jump off cliffs or swim in rough seas or ride the scariest roller coasters. Risks are meant to be taken. This is what gets the heart pumping and makes you feel alive. Be the bold one.

2. Choose your friends carefully. The friends you have now are not very nice people. Remember though, they are only 13 too. Forgive them when they hurt you which they will soon. You will reconnect as adults and the bitterness is a lot harder to deal with then rather than now. The day you spend your lunch time crying in the toilets is a memorable one but guess what, this is the first and last time it will happen like this. 

Friends letting you down is the first real heartbreak you will have in your life but I promise you will be okay. Don't let what they say affect your self worth. You are not who they say you are. 

Choose friends who are good for you, care about you and build you up. Don't be drawn to friendships that are one sided. It's in your nature to give everything you have to your friends. Make sure they are not just takers but also generous in their love, time affection and speach. 

You future friends are everything you need and are so amazing. Not all friendships last a lifetime and that's okay. Friendships will change and grow as you change and grow. You will find yourself loved with the friends you have who know and understand you. Cherish your true friends and be a good friend. The next time you cry in a toilet stall you will be thirty. It will be about a stupid boy and guess what, you will have an amazing friend there to listen, comfort, pray for you and remind you who you are. 

3. Apply yourself to your school work. You need to develop some self discipline when it comes to homework because guess what, you will still have it as an adult. Don't allow yourself to get by in school by being charming and no trouble to the teachers. They teachers may pass you on subjects based on your personality but that will only get you so far. You will be kicking yourself when you get to uni and realise you can't sit still with a book for more than 5 minutes. 

4. Always turn to God. This is the year when you discover a real relationship with God. You will start to have visions and hear the plans God has for you. Be secure in this, you are a child of God and that's a great quality. People won't get it and won't understand and that's fine. Just live a real and authentic life in your Christian walk. This is the very core of who you are and is more evident in you then you even understand. This will shape so many decisions you make. You will put your values first and find that this gives you a life with hardly any regret. When I said in point one about "Do the thing". This second rule over turns the first rule "Do what you know is right, not what you think is popular" 

5. Work is worship. It was only last week that this was a revelation to me. I would love to have known this at 13. Even before the fall of Eden God gave Adam and Eve the job to tend the garden and name the animals (you try to name all the animals in the world, if that's not a full time job then I don't know what is). You see work as a punishment. As part of the fallen world we live in. And yeah there are elements of working hard for little or no reward, for back breaking work. But know this, working hard in what you are gifted in... That is pure worship. This is saying "God, I give you back in work what you have given to me in skill" this will change the way you look at work. Shame it takes another 20 years to figure this out. 

6. Be yourself. You will always feel a bit odd and different than everyone else. Fitting in doesn't work for you. You are too honest, care too much about people's feelings and a bit too awkward to be one of the cool kids. This will end up being your best qualitys, your ability to be your own person will not always win you favour with everyone but it will cause you to stand strong through tough times and set you on a good path for life. So sing those Spice Girls songs, wear your knock off surfie backpack with both straps tight, straighten your patterned plastic framed glasses and go about your life being the fabulous you. 

No, I'm not giving you any more hints about life in 2016 except that these three words will be very important in your future: 

- Instagram
- John Mayer
- Selfies

lots of love, You
xxx

7 steps to be okay when everyone else is hooking up and having babies.

Expecting, Excited,  Engaged or Egg Salad

What to do when your friends wig out on you and start coupling up or having babies?

My friend tagged me in a photo on Instagram recently. It made me laugh because I could completely relate. The feeling of being the only single person left in the room/country/world.

As I've gotten older more of my friends are celebrating amazing milestones and 98% of the time I am so outrageously happy for them. It's just the 2% of the time where I think to myself, "I wonder if I will get that too?" 

Sometimes, to be honest, it's a sucker punch to the stomach to hear someone is newly engaged or pregnant. Sometimes it's an overwhelming thought, all the supposed steps ahead that person is, while it feels like you are still in the same place you have always been. It's especially hard when you feel like the people in question haven't been through the hard yards that you have. How do you celebrate your friends joy when it highlights your lack? Here's some thoughts that help me get through these times: 

1. Emotions are supposed to be felt- When I work with young children we are often dealing with the concept of emotions. I teach children that there is nothing wrong with emotions. In fact emotions help you self regulate and find the source of unresolved issues and thought patterns about life. What is damaging is when you don't express your emotions in a way that solves issues. 

Allow yourself to feel this way- it's actually okay to give into the emotion and feel the feels. It's okay to take a breath, take a moment and allow that emotion (even the unreasonable ones) to take up room in your head. Go to bed early if you must, do what you need to do to take a beat. 

The thing is you shouldn't camp in this emotion. You need to move through it not live in it. Bitter doesn't go with your complexion, darling. Contentment however, just makes your eyes pop.

2. Talk it out- Sometimes you will be fine after a breath but sometimes you need to smash it. Find a trusted friend to do this with. This is why it is important to maintain friendships with people in similar situations to you. my single girl tribe are incredible. when someone else voices what you have been thinking all along it is such a relief. It makes you realise how completely normal you are, you are not alone and you are not a freak.  

Sometimes, however, you just need to hash it out with God. I've learnt through the years that God is much bigger than our moments of doubt or fear or anger. He can take it. Having faith doesn't mean having zero doubt in the future. It means trusting God through the doubt. I find that it takes far more faith to have a fight with God then to ignore him and stop talking to him all together. In the Psalms David and other writers would yell and cry out to God and ask him where he was in this situation. It's okay to be real with God. 

3. Celebrate- celebrate them! Be in that moment and imagine their joy, taking it on as your own. 

I can't even count the amount of baby and bridal showers I have been invited to. It can all get a bit tiresome and the novelty wears off (if you are reading this and you've had a bridal shower or baby shower that I've been invited to, then I obviously don't mean yours, I'm talking about someone else that you don't even know. Your's was lovely). 
How many "guess the flavour chocolate in the nappy" games you can play (the answer is none, this game should never be played, because, gross!) 
I have to remind myself that this moment is not about me. This is a celebration of a life-changing moment and is worth being celebrated. If this person thinks I  am important enough in their lives to invite, then i should make the most of it, buy the gift and celebrate the milestone.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:14 

4. It's not about deserving it's about timing- Timing is everything. 

It can hurt like a mofo when a barely old enough to drive girl marries a gorgeous older man and takes him out of your marriage market (she only just arrived)! What about when someone falls pregnant quite by accident and you've been trying for over a year? Or what about when someone who is completely living off the rails marries a straight up great guy and gets her life together in a matter of minutes? What about when you see your partner's ex married and pregnant before you're even mentioning the M word? 

There is so many times where people get things before you do even though you have put in the time and the hard work. It's like the slacker at work getting a promotion while you feel looked over. It's so unfair! 

And if this were a world where people got what they deserved, then you would have a point. But it's not and you don't. 

Life is about timing not deserving. There are ebs and flows, seasons and weather. I don't make the rules but there they are. 

There is a right time for everything:
a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Ecclesiasticus 3:11

I know for a fact that I would have been a far different wife or mother at 20 then I would be at 33. I have developed patience, cleaning habits, money smarts and value systems now that would cause me to make better choices now. I don't mean that someone who marries or has children young don't learn or can't be as good at what they do, all I mean it that, should I have my time again, I would still not choose that for me. I know that the timing for me in my life, so far, is perfect. I also feel that the person I will marry was not ready for a young relationship either, therefore as older adults this works for us. 

Being a person who plays by the rules may mean you don't get there "ahead" of others but I have to believe that there is a special blessing for those who do it the right way around. Integrity is so incredibly beautiful and such a gift to bring into a marriage or a family. 

5. Don't steal their season or their thunder. 

When my friend Rachel found out that her best friend Monica was engaged she realised how much she had expected to have this moment before Monica. (After all, Monica had been fat in high school.) So, instead of celebrating the engagement, Rachel made out with Monica's brother, whom she used to date, making the whole night about her. She totally stole Monica's thunder! Monica and Chandler were not happy, Ross didn't mind! (Okay so maybe not my actual friends but definitely my F.R.I.E.N.D.S) 

The point is, this is not about you! This is not your moment to shine. This is not the moment to talk about what you would do differently at your wedding or what you would name your baby or how you would parent or have a breakdown in the middle of the room and talk about your broken love life right while the groom is about to give his speech. You will have your time in the sun, this is not it.  You are not losing because they are winning. 

6. Look for the positives- I've talked many times before about the positives of being single, or not having children at the moment or not having the bf propose. There are positives, you know it, I know it, we all know it. I'm not going to bore you with then. But sometimes, when it gets tough and you aren't where you thought you would be, perhaps listing them off will help. 

So I am going to bore you with them (a womans prerogative is after all to change her mind). Sleep-ins, own finances, impromptu trips, not having to tell anyone where you are going or when you will be back, your own TV vegging times, flirting with the guy behind the bar, flirting with the girl who brings you coffee, spending your grocery money on a trip to make up heaven Mecca (or in you guys case, a trip to rebel sports for golf bats or something.... I think we have established that I genuinely don't know what guys like or what sports is) and living off 2 minute noodles and your brothers Netflix account. 

7. Have faith- Sometimes all I have is faith. Faith that God has a purpose for this season. Perhaps my season is to write and encourage others, perhaps it is to discover more about who I am. Maybe there are lessons to learn. Maybe I just need to be more bold in my daily life. I don't know. But I have faith that God has the plan, that his plan is good and that he grants the desires of our hearts to those who love him. 

Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and prayerful always. Romans 12:12

I've loved the shared stories people have been sending my privately and through public means. feel free to share with me how you cope with others seasons. 

Xxx
Shannon