An incomplete guide to being a kickass single

I know, I know, everyone has been asking and quite frankly, I'm sick of my email inbox being full of the same inane question... "How do you do it?". 
So in the interest of keeping my fans happy, I've written down a few little things that I've learnt to be the most kickass single going around: 

1. Be content in your own company.

Being single is about being a party of one..  emphasis on the word party. You are enough of a party on your own. You don't need anyone to fulfill you. Alone, however doesn't have to be lonely. Alone can mean peace, quiet and a sureness of company. It's really important to enjoy your own company. You, after all, are going to be around for the rest of your life, you might as well like yourself.

2. Travel alone.

I traveled overseas for the first time this year. I made an impulsive decision to book a flight. I didn't have to check that it matched anyone else's schedule. I booked and went. I saw everything I wanted to see, I did everything I wanted to do. 

I spent a lot of time at airports thinking about where I was in life and who I wanted to be. It was a peaceful way to travel and be very present in the moment. 

It also tested my courage and resolve. You never know how brave you are until you have to face finding food when you can't understand the menu or catching an uber when you realise they are illegal in that country or eating a meal called "rats tail noodles" in a market, as actual rats ran past you stealing food off idol shrines. 

3. Test your limits, make opportunities happen.

I've decided that I have a new food philosophy: I will try anything once as long as it is ethically and hygienically okay in my mind. This saw me sitting on a stool outside a durian stand eating something that tasted like rotten mangos, raw onion soup covered in melted plastic cheese. It wasn't the greatest taste experience but I didn't die, in fact I felt empowered! I tried something new and I was brave and it resulted in laughs and something crossed off the list.

I like to think of every experience in life being a giant to-do list. When I try something new I can cross it off and never do it again or highlight it and add it to my "to do again and again" list. When I think about all the different experiences in the world that I have yet to do, all the new food that could become my favourite, well it's just damn exciting! stop letting fear of the unknown get in the way of life. 

4. Celebrate yourself. 

I have a dear friend who's husband had a stroke after 20 years of marriage. His stroke caused major parts of his personality, including his ability to consider others or have empathy. After 2 years of recovery, my friend has realised that he will probably never think to celebrate her birthday or buy her a gift again. A sad thing to lose. but it doesn't mean she is of any less value because someone else won't think to make it special. 

I spoke to her about what I have done when I felt that there was no special loved one to buy me a gift. I bought one for myself. For my 21st, I bought myself a nose piercing. This year I took myself to KL. I sometimes throw my own parties and demand that my friends celebrate me. Why? Because I'm worth celebrating and sometimes it's my job to remind people of this! I refuse to place my worth in what people buy for me. Having said that, when friends have bought me things or surprise celebrated me it has literally blown my mind. I am a gifts person after all! 

5. Flirt. 

Eek. This is something I'm not great at. In fact I'm quite terrible at it. I was raised in the "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris era of church youth groups. As a result I've alway found it hard to be normal with guys and even more difficult to actually show my genuine interest in a special guy. But you know what, flirting with unattached people is not only not wrong, it's totally right. This is the one time in your life where you can bat your eyelashes and swish your hair because one day you won't (or shouldn't) be able to anymore. Have fun being single. Work those eyelashes baby. 

6. Turn up. 

You know what I hate? Attending events alone. I get ready, I arrive alone, I search for someone, anyone I know and I try to mingle in to the crowd. It's hard. I don't speak to new people easily and I'm on tenterhooks until my anchor person arrives. An anchor person is someone that I can talk with and know that the conversation will be good. From that safe place I can bounce around the party, when things get awkward or I run out of things to say, I can go back to my anchor. What couples don't realise is that their anchor person travels with them to the party. They arrive together and leave together. It's a little harder for us singles. 

But since when did difficult situations stop us from living? I've mentioned it before but I will say it again. Turning up sometimes means putting our own agenda on the line to celebrate or honour someone else. 

As a single person I rarely have to think about anybody else but myself. I'm often lead by my emotions rather than my obligations. If I don't want to do something, I don't. But this shouldn't lead the way I interact with those I love. Being a kickass single shouldn't mean being a selfish single... Not all the time anyway. 

7. Have a secret single behaviour. 

An old colleague of mine used to talk about Secret Single Behaviours she would do at home when her partner was on FIFO. I can't remember exactly what they were but I think they involved pyjamas and movie marathons. 

SSB is the things you do in secret. Things that would be considered terribly wasteful, disgusting or plain weird. Being single, living alone or having plenty of alone time is a blessing. Doing anything you want whilst wearing underwear, fluffy socks and a shower cap on your head (coconut oil and avocado hair mask) is the icing on the cake. So eat out of the containers, overdose on episodes of Escape to the Country, crank the 90's music and put on a concert for your dirty dishes. 

I've not nailed most of these but I am trying. and that's what it's about right?
I think at the end of the day, being a kickass single is about being a brave and content person right now. After all, if you can't be brave and content now, will you ever really be? 

But before you go, be truly brave, tell me your Secret Single Behaviour! 

5 reasons being single shouldn't be like backpacking through Europe.

Why being single can be like backpacking through Europe

"You know some singles live their life like they are backpacking through Europe," my housemate said to me last night. 

"Well that sounds like a fun way to live" I replied. 

"No!" She exclaimed, "it's a terrible way to live, you want to backpack for 6 months, not 10 years " 

She has a valid point. 

So firstly, how is backpacking through Europe anything like being single? It's simple really, many single people live as if they are in a state of "in-between" I touched briefly on this phenomenon in a previous blog That's it I'm done waiting. 

Some single people live as if they are in a holding pattern on their life. They grow up (sort of), they move out (seriously, you need to move out) and then they wait. They don't put down roots or make long term goals because they are factoring in the great unknown, the what if, the beginning of their lives has not started. 

But here's the thing. Life has already begun and you are putting things, important things on the back burner waiting for someone to come along to help carry the weight of that responsibility. Is your life a life of the temporary waiting for the permanence of home life and family to start?

This is why you should unpack the backpack and settle in one place.

1) It's hard to make a genuine contribution to the world around you

When you are travelling from one place to another it is hard to actually make a difference in a community. You arrive, meet the locals, form fast friendships built on surface level interest but there are no strong commitments to each other as friends. You don't go beyond the surface level of friendship and you don't actually get to the heart of somebody. You don't connect in a real or genuine way. What's the point, you may be gone tomorrow?

This is how some of us treat our friendships and our lives. I have spoken to women who truly believe that their "ministry" in life or their "calling" and purpose is to work in partnership with their husbands that for the present, do not exist. So instead of contributing to their friendships in meaningful ways they drift from one friendship to another and only have surface level relationships. The moment things get hard they move on. Why fight for something permanent when your life has such a sense of temporary about it? The fallout is that people miss the impact of having the absolute wonder of the real "you" in their lives. Your perspective, your knowledge, your God given skill set could actually make a real difference to your sphere of influence. You just have to invest.

Likewise, you may work but you don't make a genuine contribution to the workplace. You will be gone soon so it doesn't matter if you put in the hard yards and pull your weight. Come next year, no one will remember you anyway. 

I have to admit that this is something I struggle with. Growing up I was asked what I wanted to "become" referring to the career path I would take. My choices bumped around from actress to makeup artist to social worker but truthfully I assumed that I would work until I had children then my major role would be mother and wife and work would be secondary to raising a family. I still know that this is in some way my calling and desire, but I can’t deny the fact that for now I am a career woman. And so I have to contribute to my workplace beyond what is expected and make the most of my work life.  

Thirdly, make a contribution to a vision or a calling beyond yourself. If you are part of a church, then volunteer, contribute as much as you can while you have the time to. Yes, you work full time and you are now focussing on making a career thanks to my last point. Yet you still will have more free time than the average parent. You don’t have to find a baby sitter to go early to a service or attend a meeting at night. You still can have your rejuvenating breakfasts down at the local café on a Saturday morning. But why don’t you consider making a genuine difference to a cause too. Connect yourself to a higher purpose then your own life.

2) You can't settle, there is always the next big thing around the corner

It has to be said that someone who would chose to backpack around Europe must be a romantic and an idealist. You would have to be someone who has a dream and a vision and enjoy the idea of the wanderer. However, this sense of wanderlust can also be driven from the inability to ever be satisfied or settle. Why would you be satisfied with Rome when you know Paris is the next stop, Paris could be better right?

"What's wrong with that?" you cry! Advertising campaigns and our Instagram's are covered with quotes declaring that one should never settle, you should always be on the pursuit of more, that settling down is for the fearful.

Firstly, advertising campaigns are run by people who need for you to not be satisfied with life now or ever. The very idea of consumerism is that you must buy, you must consume you must be forever finding the better option. Does this make you happy when you get the new thing? No, it just makes you want more. When I went to IKEA to get my new table last week was I satisfied? No because during my trip I saw some amazing armchairs that would look incredible in my life, err… I mean house.

When you aren't able to settle in life then how are you supposed to be able to find a life partner? If you are always after the better thing, then that amazing girl may just pass you by because you are too scared that the next girl that comes along might be better. Let's just drop the whole "ultimate package" idea right here too. You are not buying a brand new lounge room set from Super A-Mart. Give up looking for the ultimate package and start looking for someone you have a connection to first.  

I think in fact that settling is for the brave. How amazing to say "I don't know what the future holds but I'm making this decision and I'm sticking to it"?

3)You carry your worldly possessions with you. 

When you carry around your life in a backpack it can be a very heavy and long walk. My housemate loves hiking, I picked up her hiking bag this morning. Let me tell you, that thing was heavy, about 15 kg's of weight! When you travel without anywhere to house your baggage, life becomes a painful and slow journey.

I have many single friends in my life. Some quite obviously carry a lot of baggage.

Baggage on a single person quite often looks like cynicism. Cynicism at anyone's attempts for set ups. Don't even try to get them to put their hand up anywhere to admit they are single. Don't talk to them about singles events or be sure to hear groans and see rolling of eyes. They complain there is absolutely no one of the opposite gender "out there" and all the good ones are taken. They carry past hurts with them and it is very obvious to the world around them.

I am saying "they" but I should be saying "we" as I am as big a culprit as any. I have allowed past hurts and experiences of rejection ride on my back and slow me down. The baggage quite often is disguised as protection; we carry it so that we don't feel disappointed again. Some of the baggage we have carried around since we were very young. some of the baggage is childhood hurts or school yard betrayal. We have formed views of ourselves as unlovable or inadequate and so have packed a bag full of gadgets and gizmos we hope will make up for our lack. We have also packed a tent in there so we can crawl in it and hide if it all gets too scary.

Not all the burdens in our life are easy to get rid of. I have found that some burdens are released when we talk deep and meaningfully with our friends about genuine issues in our lives (back to point 1). I have found that prayer and prayer ministry with others can be a powerful tool and I have also found that some burdens, particularly to do with childhood or very painful issues need counselling. How blessed we are to live in an age where counselling and visiting psychologists is not something to be embarrassed about but something that shows how dedicated you are to living a baggage free life.

If you are alive and in your late twenties, early thirties then there is no way you have gone this far in life without some heartbreak or baggage. If you haven't already, why don't you start unpacking your bag and dealing with these issues?

4) You start to become weird

This is pretty self-explanatory. Picture someone who has been backpacking for 6 months and you might imagine someone with a sock tan, wear a bandana. Picture someone who has been backpacking for 6 years and you imagine someone who looks like Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway with long hair and beard, sun burnt to a crisp, dirty and pretty smelly... and that's just the women.

The thing is, something like backpacking changes you long term. Your perceptions change, you view the world differently and well, you could come across as just plain weird.

I'm just going to put it out there, there are some singles who are just plain weird. They put out a weird vibe and they wonder why the other gender run a mile. You might be one of these weird people and don’t know it so I will just put it out there. So let’s set some ground rules about how you can infiltrate back into mainstream now that you have taken your backpack off and decided to no longer travel. (Hey man, you probably, like me, have some anxiety and confidence issues and don’t really want to eat your next lover’s first born.) These are based on my observations mostly of guy’s behaviour but I will try to also cover the weird girls where possible. If you do any of the following you are a weird single and you are going to struggle to find someone with the vibe you are putting out there.*

1. Don’t hover and stare. Just because you aren’t talking and we aren’t making eye contact doesn’t mean you are invisible, we are aware of your presence. You are not wearing an invisibility cloak. Say hi. Join in the conversation. Nod and laugh in the appropriate moments. If you get stuck ask a question.
2. Bathe, take care of yourself, dress nicely, smell nice, get a modern haircut.
3. Don’t be a secret harasser. You know who you are! Facebook messaging girls or guys again and again. Read the subtle clues. If they are not responding it is not because you need to try harder. I’ve known very decent guys who have developed reputations of being secret harassers.  
4. Don’t be a public harasser. The very last thing I want when I walk into a room is to be shouted at unless it’s a friend who is inviting me over to chat. You know that thing builders are known for, that happens sometimes when groups of boys are gathered around each other even at church. It’s a chicken’s way of saying “Pay attention to me while I assert my male dominance in this pack of men”. No, come over to me and say hi. Shouting out for no reason is weird.
5. Let’s be friends. Every relationship should be built on friendship anyway right?  It is very disappointing when people are nice to you until they realise you are not interested in anything romantic. It is never a waste of time to make another friend in life. Don’t be that guy who ignores her because she said no to coffee. If your friendship was so conditional on them falling for you and not actually wanting to make a genuine connection, then are you really that nice a person? And don’t whinge about them wasting your time. Like your time is any more precious than theirs. Relationships do develop from friendships. Don’t allow yourself to be used in a friendship but don’t let your pride shut it down.

 5) It get’s a bit lonely travelling alone.

Go on a long backpacking trip, and your friends will start to leave as they settle in cities or go back home to face responsibilities. Travelling alone can be rewarding but there are a lot of things about it that are hard.

I started my adult life with a whole lot of friends who were in a similar situation as me. We were all single or casually dating and an impromptu trip down south was just a juggle of work and we were off. Along the way my friends started pairing off and soon my single friends group grew very small. Trips away now had to factor in their partners and their children and became near impossible feats. With nearly all of my close friends at the moment either married or in serious relationships it can seem very much like I am travelling alone.

 I am so grateful that I have formed friendships with people who have room in their lives for me despite their marital status. Some haven’t and that’s okay. I have accepted that and moved on to people who do. I also have, along the way found new friends that are single who I can form deep bonds with and walk along side of. My housemate is one of these people. We can talk about our theories on “Soul Mates” and “The One” and all the laughable moments about knowing when to approach someone, when to wait, when to hope for something and when to move on. It’s really important to not do this life alone.

What does stopping backpacking look like in this example? It’s forming new friendships when the old ones fall away. It’s establishing new types of normal when your friends settle down.

 

So what am I really saying? I guess I’m saying that life is a journey but you do need to put down roots, make more permanent life choices, redefine your friendships as the evolve, don’t do this thing alone and get rid of you heavy burdens and most importantly, stop being weird.

 

Shannon

Xxx

*In some way I have done every one of these weird things (except the calling out thing) because I am also weird and can be anxious and socially awkward. I’m particularly weird around guys I like so I get it. It’s so hard to just be the normal you who is on the inside because the fear to perform becomes so difficult you’re your inner dialogue goes crazy. so what I am saying is focus on being friends first.

Also, it is really important to let your inner freak flag fly.

What’s the difference between freak flag and weirdo? Weirdos make us feel awkward, threatened and unsafe. Freaks make us think “gee, I wish I had the guts to truly be myself like that hero”.

So be a freak but try not to be weird. And never smell. Ever

The problem with hope

The Problem With Hope

I have a love hate relationship with hope. 

Sometimes I just hate it. I hate what it does to me. It creates a stirring in my heart and a lightness in my step. It causes me to believe in what is barely possible. It makes my heart soar when I should stay grounded in the facts. And this makes me furious. 

Furious because if my hope is dashed, then I have so much further to fall. Hope has the ability to break my heart. I hate giving power to anything that could cause so much pain. Yet I do it again and again. 

I've had seasons where I have lived off the drug of new found hope. It happens in a instance, a look or a moment with the right kind of guy and I'm there. Living in hope that this could be it. This could be my season to love and be loved. (I'm not talking about the thing other girls do where they plan the wedding and wonder what their babies will look like the moment they meet. That's a blog post for another day) I'm just talking about the quickened heart beat and the thought of "Hello, this one's not a complete mutant".* 

I am also talking about the kind of hope I have for my future. The hope to have the family and the house and the lifestyle I dream of. The hope I am called into a profession that will change the world and fulfill my every desire. 

And so I fly high. Hope becomes my drug of choice. The problem with highs is obvious. What comes up must come down right? The crash and pain from hopes dashed is a pain like no other. 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Prov 13:12

Hope deferred has made me sick before. Physically sick. Talk to anyone who's been through a hard break up and they may say the same thing. I became so run down and lost any desire to move or  participate in the world. I had a medical illness and was checked for all sorts of diseases with blood tests and scans. It was serious business. 

I am happy to say that I have moved past this and I'm healthy with a busy social life and a zest and drive for life. But I wonder looking back why Paul would say...

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Cor 13:13

Why hope? When hope can tear the soul and break the heart? Why would it hold value right along side faith and love? Isn't faith enough? The bible has a lot to say about hope. 

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 41:30

"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20

Just like faith, hope has to have a purpose and direction. We are not supposed to hope in our future or our loved ones. We are not supposed to put our hope in our career or our marriage. We are supposed to put our hope in the LORD. 

When the scripture uses the word LORD it is talking about someone who is in charge. Someone who is sovereign over us. Someone we chose to put in control. 

So if I put my hope in a sovereign LORD I am saying "I trust YOU with my future my hope is YOU having it all worked out in YOU having the best possible path for me. My hope and trust is in YOUR timing." 

What does God do in return? He honours us with strength, with flight, with help and protection. When we put our hope in God we won't get weary. Our days aren't good or bad based on our situation or what we can see in the real world. What goes up doesn't necessarily have to go down when the creator is holding it in his hands. 

Waiting in hope is frustrating. It's like a really long flight on a squashy plane. You know you are going somewhere, you know that it's gonna be awesome. The pilot has promised you won't miss out because you are arriving later then other people. But the scenery has been the same for the last 5 hours (or 32 years), the air feels stale and there is a baby crying**. It's a feeling of restlessness and the need to stretch your legs. 

Hope is  believing that your are destined to arrive at some point. Faith is knowing the plane will stay in the air even though you don't understand the law of aerodynamics. And love... The kind of love I'm hoping for... That's worth the wait.... After all, love is the greatest!

Share with me your thoughts on this, is anyone brave enough to admit they've been through something similar? 

xxx

Shannon

* I do not wish to bring offence to the mutant community. I for one am a big advocate for the The X Men and everything it stands for. I would be very happy to meet and fall in love with Cyclops or Wolverine. I am of course talking about Toad and other brotherhood of evil mutants that sometimes rear their heads at Young Christian Single events for the over 30's (you know what i'm talking about) 

** It's probably one of your friends kids that you are babysitting because you don't have a date on Saturday night