Why being single can be like backpacking through Europe
"Well that sounds like a fun way to live" I replied.
"No!" She exclaimed, "it's a terrible way to live, you
want to backpack for 6 months, not 10 years "
She has a valid point.
So firstly, how is backpacking through Europe anything like being
single? It's simple really, many single people live as if they are in a state
of "in-between" I touched briefly on this phenomenon in a
previous blog That's it I'm done waiting.
Some single people live as if they are in a holding pattern on their
life. They grow up (sort of), they move out (seriously, you need to move out)
and then they wait. They don't put down roots or make long term goals because
they are factoring in the great unknown, the what if, the beginning of their
lives has not started.
But here's the thing. Life has
already begun and you are putting things, important things on the back burner
waiting for someone to come along to help carry the weight of that
responsibility. Is your life a life of the temporary waiting for the permanence
of home life and family to start?
This is why you should unpack the backpack and
settle in one place.
1) It's hard to make a genuine contribution to the world
around you
When you are travelling from one place to another it is hard to actually make a difference in a community. You arrive, meet the locals, form fast friendships built on surface level interest but there are no strong commitments to each other as friends. You don't go beyond the surface level of friendship and you don't actually get to the heart of somebody. You don't connect in a real or genuine way. What's the point, you may be gone tomorrow?
This is how some of us treat our
friendships and our lives. I have spoken to women who truly believe that their
"ministry" in life or their "calling" and purpose is to
work in partnership with their husbands that for the present, do not exist. So
instead of contributing to their friendships in meaningful ways they drift from
one friendship to another and only have surface level relationships. The moment
things get hard they move on. Why fight for something permanent when your life
has such a sense of temporary about it? The fallout is that people miss the
impact of having the absolute wonder of the real "you" in their
lives. Your perspective, your knowledge, your God given skill set could
actually make a real difference to your sphere of influence. You just have to
invest.
Likewise, you may work but you don't make a genuine contribution to the
workplace. You will be gone soon so it doesn't matter if you put in
the hard yards and pull your weight. Come next year, no one will remember you
anyway.
I have to admit that this is something I struggle with. Growing up I was asked what I wanted to "become" referring to the career path I would take. My choices bumped around from actress to makeup artist to social worker but truthfully I assumed that I would work until I had children then my major role would be mother and wife and work would be secondary to raising a family. I still know that this is in some way my calling and desire, but I can’t deny the fact that for now I am a career woman. And so I have to contribute to my workplace beyond what is expected and make the most of my work life.
Thirdly, make a contribution to a vision or a calling beyond yourself. If you are part of a church, then volunteer, contribute as much as you can while you have the time to. Yes, you work full time and you are now focussing on making a career thanks to my last point. Yet you still will have more free time than the average parent. You don’t have to find a baby sitter to go early to a service or attend a meeting at night. You still can have your rejuvenating breakfasts down at the local café on a Saturday morning. But why don’t you consider making a genuine difference to a cause too. Connect yourself to a higher purpose then your own life.
2) You can't settle, there is always the next big thing around the corner
It has to be said that someone who would chose to backpack around Europe must
be a romantic and an idealist. You would have to be someone who has a dream and
a vision and enjoy the idea of the wanderer. However, this sense of wanderlust
can also be driven from the inability to ever be satisfied or settle.
Why would you be satisfied with Rome when you know Paris is the next stop,
Paris could be better right?
"What's wrong with that?" you cry! Advertising campaigns and our
Instagram's are covered with quotes declaring that one should never settle, you
should always be on the pursuit of more, that settling down is for the fearful.
Firstly, advertising campaigns are run by people who need for you to not be
satisfied with life now or ever. The very idea of consumerism is that you must
buy, you must consume you must be forever finding the better option. Does this
make you happy when you get the new thing? No, it just makes you want more.
When I went to IKEA to get my new table last week was I satisfied? No because
during my trip I saw some amazing armchairs that would look incredible in my
life, err… I mean house.
When you aren't able to settle in life then how are you supposed to be
able to find a life partner? If you are always after the better thing, then
that amazing girl may just pass you by because you are too scared that the next
girl that comes along might be better. Let's just drop the whole "ultimate
package" idea right here too. You are not buying a brand new lounge room
set from Super A-Mart. Give up looking for the ultimate package and start
looking for someone you have a connection to first.
I think in fact that settling is for the brave. How amazing to say "I
don't know what the future holds but I'm making this decision and I'm sticking
to it"?
3)You carry your
worldly possessions with you.
When you carry
around your life in a backpack it can be a very heavy and long walk. My
housemate loves hiking, I picked up her hiking bag this morning. Let me tell
you, that thing was heavy, about 15 kg's of weight! When you travel without
anywhere to house your baggage, life becomes a painful and slow journey.
I have many single friends in my
life. Some quite obviously carry a lot of baggage.
Baggage on a single person quite
often looks like cynicism. Cynicism at anyone's attempts for set ups. Don't
even try to get them to put their hand up anywhere to admit they are single.
Don't talk to them about singles events or be sure to hear groans and see
rolling of eyes. They complain there is absolutely no one of the opposite
gender "out there" and all the good ones are taken. They carry past
hurts with them and it is very obvious to the world around them.
I am saying "they" but I
should be saying "we" as I am as big a culprit as any. I have allowed
past hurts and experiences of rejection ride on my back and slow me down. The
baggage quite often is disguised as protection; we carry it so that we don't
feel disappointed again. Some of the baggage we have carried around since we
were very young. some of the baggage is childhood hurts or school yard
betrayal. We have formed views of ourselves as unlovable or inadequate and so
have packed a bag full of gadgets and gizmos we hope will make up for our lack.
We have also packed a tent in there so we can crawl in it and hide if it all
gets too scary.
Not all the burdens in our life are
easy to get rid of. I have found that some burdens are released when we talk
deep and meaningfully with our friends about genuine issues in our lives (back
to point 1). I have found that prayer and prayer ministry with others can be a
powerful tool and I have also found that some burdens, particularly to do with
childhood or very painful issues need counselling. How blessed we are to
live in an age where counselling and visiting psychologists is not something to
be embarrassed about but something that shows how dedicated you are to living a
baggage free life.
If you are alive and in your late
twenties, early thirties then there is no way you have gone this far in life
without some heartbreak or baggage. If you haven't already, why don't you start
unpacking your bag and dealing with these issues?
4) You start to become weird
This is pretty self-explanatory.
Picture someone who has been backpacking for 6 months and you might imagine
someone with a sock tan, wear a bandana. Picture someone who has been
backpacking for 6 years and you imagine someone who looks like Tom Hanks at the
end of Castaway with long hair and beard, sun burnt to a crisp, dirty and
pretty smelly... and that's just the women.
The thing is, something like
backpacking changes you long term. Your perceptions change, you view the world
differently and well, you could come across as just plain weird.
I'm just going to put it out there, there are some
singles who are just plain weird. They put out a weird vibe and they wonder why
the other gender run a mile. You might be one of these weird people and don’t
know it so I will just put it out there. So let’s set some ground rules about
how you can infiltrate back into mainstream now that you have taken your
backpack off and decided to no longer travel. (Hey man, you probably, like me,
have some anxiety and confidence issues and don’t really want to eat your next
lover’s first born.) These are based on my observations mostly of guy’s behaviour
but I will try to also cover the weird girls where possible. If you do any of
the following you are a weird single and you are going to struggle to find
someone with the vibe you are putting out there.*
- Don’t hover and stare. Just because you aren’t talking and we aren’t making eye contact doesn’t mean you are invisible, we are aware of your presence. You are not wearing an invisibility cloak. Say hi. Join in the conversation. Nod and laugh in the appropriate moments. If you get stuck ask a question.
- Bathe, take care of yourself, dress nicely, smell nice, get a modern haircut.
- Don’t be a secret harasser. You know who you are! Facebook messaging girls or guys again and again. Read the subtle clues. If they are not responding it is not because you need to try harder. I’ve known very decent guys who have developed reputations of being secret harassers.
- Don’t be a public harasser. The very last thing I want when I walk into a room is to be shouted at unless it’s a friend who is inviting me over to chat. You know that thing builders are known for, that happens sometimes when groups of boys are gathered around each other even at church. It’s a chicken’s way of saying “Pay attention to me while I assert my male dominance in this pack of men”. No, come over to me and say hi. Shouting out for no reason is weird.
- Let’s be friends. Every relationship should be built on friendship anyway right? It is very disappointing when people are nice to you until they realise you are not interested in anything romantic. It is never a waste of time to make another friend in life. Don’t be that guy who ignores her because she said no to coffee. If your friendship was so conditional on them falling for you and not actually wanting to make a genuine connection, then are you really that nice a person? And don’t whinge about them wasting your time. Like your time is any more precious than theirs. Relationships do develop from friendships. Don’t allow yourself to be used in a friendship but don’t let your pride shut it down.
5) It get’s a bit lonely travelling alone.
Go on a long backpacking trip, and
your friends will start to leave as they settle in cities or go back home to
face responsibilities. Travelling alone can be rewarding but there are a lot of
things about it that are hard.
I started my adult life with a whole
lot of friends who were in a similar situation as me. We were all single or
casually dating and an impromptu trip down south was just a juggle of work and we
were off. Along the way my friends started pairing off and soon my single
friends group grew very small. Trips away now had to factor in their partners
and their children and became near impossible feats. With nearly all of my
close friends at the moment either married or in serious relationships it can
seem very much like I am travelling alone.
I am so grateful that I have formed friendships
with people who have room in their lives for me despite their marital status. Some
haven’t and that’s okay. I have accepted that and moved on to people who do. I
also have, along the way found new friends that are single who I can form deep
bonds with and walk along side of. My housemate is one of these people. We can
talk about our theories on “Soul Mates” and “The One” and all the laughable
moments about knowing when to approach someone, when to wait, when to hope for
something and when to move on. It’s really important to not do this life alone.
What does stopping backpacking look
like in this example? It’s forming new friendships when the old ones fall away.
It’s establishing new types of normal when your friends settle down.
So what am I really saying? I guess I’m
saying that life is a journey but you do need to put down roots, make more permanent
life choices, redefine your friendships as the evolve, don’t do this thing
alone and get rid of you heavy burdens and most importantly, stop being weird.
Shannon
Xxx
*In some way I have done every one of
these weird things (except the calling out thing) because I am also weird and
can be anxious and socially awkward. I’m particularly weird around guys I like
so I get it. It’s so hard to just be the normal you who is on the inside
because the fear to perform becomes so difficult you’re your inner dialogue goes
crazy. so what I am saying is focus on being friends first.
Also, it is really important to let your inner freak flag fly.
What’s the difference between freak
flag and weirdo? Weirdos make us feel awkward, threatened and unsafe. Freaks
make us think “gee, I wish I had the guts to truly be myself like that hero”.
So be a freak but try not to be weird.
And never smell. Ever
