Stop the Rain: 6 steps to battling the storms of life

It was a cold and wet Sunday afternoon as I drove my friend's little girl home from church. Tahlia, 4 years old, was chatting away as usual and I was half listening to her and concentrating on the difficult driving conditions. 

As the rain grew heavier and heavier, I came to a stretch in the road where you could usually see the ocean over the dunes. Today you couldn't even see the scrubs along the roadside. Unprotected from the full force of the ocean, the car started to shake and sway in the wind. I was trying to slow down carefully, aware that now, not only could I not see the bonnet of my car but I also couldn't see the cars around me. A thick sheet of water was falling on my car and I was terrified. 

I reached my hand behind me to hold the now quiet Tahlia's hand.

"Thalia," I yelled above the deafening pelt of rain, "We are going to pray."

Thalia gripped onto my hand and I called out in a loud voice. 

"God, please stop the rain!" 

The very second the last word left my mouth, the rain stopped. 

It didn't die down and come to a stop, it just stopped. It was as if a tap was turned off. As if a kink had been made in the hose of a sprinkler. 

And suddenly there was silence. No more pelting of rain, no howling wind, just perfect silence. 

"God stopped the rain! God stopped the rain!" shouted Thalia. I couldn't talk. I drove in silent awe at the crazy thing that had just occurred. 

The rest of the 15 minute drive home not a single drop of water landed on my windshield. The grey sky held every bit of rain in its dark, ominous clouds and I didn't see a single tree bending in the breeze. 

We pulled up outside the house and I got out and helped Thalia out of her seat. We walked inside and just as we walked under the cover of the garage, the sky's opened up once more. 

"God, stop the rain! God stop the rain!" Thalia cried out at the window for the rest of the day. She was sure He would do it again. He didn't, at least not that day. For weeks after, with the slightest indicators of condensation, Thalia would cry out to ask God to stop the rain. She had witnessed a miracle and she wasn't going to forget it.

I was reminded of this moment in my life that happened about 10 years ago last Sunday as I was singing a song at church. 

"Though the storms may rage

They still know Your Name"

Storms

Storms are a part of life. Some people love storms. They will get excited when they hear thunder and settle down for a cozy night in. Others hate storms. They cringe at the flash of lightning and groan about their washing on the line. I don't really care one way or another about the weather except when I am inconvenienced. I don't want to get my hair wet if I go out, I don't want to wait under shelter, I don't want to have to remember an umbrella and I really don't want to have an accident on the roads. 

Every once in awhile there is a massive storm that comes in and tears the place apart. The great storm of 2010 in Perth is one of those occasions. If you lived in Perth then, you can tell me exactly where you were when it hit, what damage it caused to your property and the inconvenience it caused to you and your family. That storm sucked! I had $18,000 worth of damage to my almost brand new $20,000 car (how bummed was I to not get it written off so i could get a new one?).

We often refer to hard periods of time in our lives as storms. Some storms are short and quick and more of an inconvenience. Some are bigger and can be stressful at the time but all is well in the end. Others, like the great storm of 2010 are massive, cause unprecedented damage and are permanently remembered as a major moment in your life.

So what do we do when we are caught in a storm?

1. We can carry on until we get through it. 

Some storms can be ridden out. Some, we just need to buckle down, believe that it won't last forever and move on. I could have just continued to drive home, but my gut and experience told me that this wasn't a normal storm. 

2. We remember that we don't cause storms. 

It's not our fault that their is crazy weather going on. You don't have mutant superpowers. So stop looking for meaning in a storm. It's not time to play the blame game. When illness hits or we find life to be stressful we often think "why". Why is this happening? What did I do to deserve this? Guys it's weather. It happens to all of us in some shape or form. 

3. Pull over and wait it out, seek shelter. 

Sometimes you have to pull over to the side of the road and wait. Last year my job was killing me. I wasn't sleeping at night, I was constantly stressing and I began to feel anxious about everything I was responsible for in the world. So I pulled over and decided to wait it out. This meant that I stopped my side business of baking, I stopped going to things that weren't necessary and I focussed on waiting it out. (Of course I started looking for new work too, if the boat is sinking, it's time to get on a new one) 

4. Cry out for help. 

Maybe this should be first point. Here's the deal, the bible is so full of scriptures about God hushing the storms. 

“Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven.”Psalm‬ ‭107:28-30‬ ‭

 Our desired haven? Does that mean he cares about where we want to go? Does that mean he cares about giving us peace on our journey?  I think we think he doesn't care about us enough to stop it. We know he loves us, but it's easy to detach and think about it as a far away, broad stroke of the brush kind of love. The love that covers a multitude of sins can't be the same love that cares about the details can it? How can my cry for help be considered the same as someone who has "real" issues? I keep comparing my storm with someone else's storm and I feel like mine is dumb and little and not worth praying about. 

5. Trust that HE commands the waves and wind and have peace. 

In Matthew, Mark and Luke there is a story of Jesus on a boat in the middle of the storm. This dude is so chill that he's asleep! He has to be woken up to be asked to stop the storm. With a simple word the waves and wind settled. In the midst of it all we should remember that unless God is concerned, we shouldn't be. He's got it. We spend so much time worrying about the outcome that we waste our lives worrying about things that God is in command of. 

“The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him,”‭‭Nahum‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

A couple of months ago at church I was very distressed. Life was hard, work was very hard. 

"God, I just don't think you care about this," I cried out to God. "You don't care where I work or what the conditions are like. You don't care who I will marry or if I will have a family. As long as I serve you, I don't think you care. Im wanting a job that I wake up for in the morning happy to get out of bed for. I'm wanting to meet someone who lights a spark in me but I think you are pushing me to settle for mediocrity, just get what I get. You don't care about the details. You just don't care." This wasn't the first time I had said this silently to myself, possibly not the first time I had said it to God either. 

In the loudness of the music playing through the speakers, I heard a voice inside. Through the noise of the storm that raged within, a voice cried out. 

"I care the most, I care the most!" My God was yelling through the midst of the storm. "I care the most"

“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭55:22‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

6. Have faith in the restorer to fix what has been damaged

I felt prompted to write a list on my phone of what i needed out of a new job. The list was simple: 

• More flexibility in my conditions 
• Work that worked around my lifestyle (remember that I had given up a lot of life for my previous job) 
• Bosses that cared
• No uniform 
• Same pay and perks from my previous job

Every single thing on my list was met. God demonstrated that He cared. That He cared about the details. That He cared the most. 

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭26:3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

SO I guess what I'm trying to say is this: 

Storms they are coming whether we want them to or not. Batten down the hatches and hold on. But when it get's tough, remember that you know the one who commands the waves and wind. He cares about you and what you are going through. He cares the most. 

An incomplete guide to being a kickass single

I know, I know, everyone has been asking and quite frankly, I'm sick of my email inbox being full of the same inane question... "How do you do it?". 
So in the interest of keeping my fans happy, I've written down a few little things that I've learnt to be the most kickass single going around: 

1. Be content in your own company.

Being single is about being a party of one..  emphasis on the word party. You are enough of a party on your own. You don't need anyone to fulfill you. Alone, however doesn't have to be lonely. Alone can mean peace, quiet and a sureness of company. It's really important to enjoy your own company. You, after all, are going to be around for the rest of your life, you might as well like yourself.

2. Travel alone.

I traveled overseas for the first time this year. I made an impulsive decision to book a flight. I didn't have to check that it matched anyone else's schedule. I booked and went. I saw everything I wanted to see, I did everything I wanted to do. 

I spent a lot of time at airports thinking about where I was in life and who I wanted to be. It was a peaceful way to travel and be very present in the moment. 

It also tested my courage and resolve. You never know how brave you are until you have to face finding food when you can't understand the menu or catching an uber when you realise they are illegal in that country or eating a meal called "rats tail noodles" in a market, as actual rats ran past you stealing food off idol shrines. 

3. Test your limits, make opportunities happen.

I've decided that I have a new food philosophy: I will try anything once as long as it is ethically and hygienically okay in my mind. This saw me sitting on a stool outside a durian stand eating something that tasted like rotten mangos, raw onion soup covered in melted plastic cheese. It wasn't the greatest taste experience but I didn't die, in fact I felt empowered! I tried something new and I was brave and it resulted in laughs and something crossed off the list.

I like to think of every experience in life being a giant to-do list. When I try something new I can cross it off and never do it again or highlight it and add it to my "to do again and again" list. When I think about all the different experiences in the world that I have yet to do, all the new food that could become my favourite, well it's just damn exciting! stop letting fear of the unknown get in the way of life. 

4. Celebrate yourself. 

I have a dear friend who's husband had a stroke after 20 years of marriage. His stroke caused major parts of his personality, including his ability to consider others or have empathy. After 2 years of recovery, my friend has realised that he will probably never think to celebrate her birthday or buy her a gift again. A sad thing to lose. but it doesn't mean she is of any less value because someone else won't think to make it special. 

I spoke to her about what I have done when I felt that there was no special loved one to buy me a gift. I bought one for myself. For my 21st, I bought myself a nose piercing. This year I took myself to KL. I sometimes throw my own parties and demand that my friends celebrate me. Why? Because I'm worth celebrating and sometimes it's my job to remind people of this! I refuse to place my worth in what people buy for me. Having said that, when friends have bought me things or surprise celebrated me it has literally blown my mind. I am a gifts person after all! 

5. Flirt. 

Eek. This is something I'm not great at. In fact I'm quite terrible at it. I was raised in the "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris era of church youth groups. As a result I've alway found it hard to be normal with guys and even more difficult to actually show my genuine interest in a special guy. But you know what, flirting with unattached people is not only not wrong, it's totally right. This is the one time in your life where you can bat your eyelashes and swish your hair because one day you won't (or shouldn't) be able to anymore. Have fun being single. Work those eyelashes baby. 

6. Turn up. 

You know what I hate? Attending events alone. I get ready, I arrive alone, I search for someone, anyone I know and I try to mingle in to the crowd. It's hard. I don't speak to new people easily and I'm on tenterhooks until my anchor person arrives. An anchor person is someone that I can talk with and know that the conversation will be good. From that safe place I can bounce around the party, when things get awkward or I run out of things to say, I can go back to my anchor. What couples don't realise is that their anchor person travels with them to the party. They arrive together and leave together. It's a little harder for us singles. 

But since when did difficult situations stop us from living? I've mentioned it before but I will say it again. Turning up sometimes means putting our own agenda on the line to celebrate or honour someone else. 

As a single person I rarely have to think about anybody else but myself. I'm often lead by my emotions rather than my obligations. If I don't want to do something, I don't. But this shouldn't lead the way I interact with those I love. Being a kickass single shouldn't mean being a selfish single... Not all the time anyway. 

7. Have a secret single behaviour. 

An old colleague of mine used to talk about Secret Single Behaviours she would do at home when her partner was on FIFO. I can't remember exactly what they were but I think they involved pyjamas and movie marathons. 

SSB is the things you do in secret. Things that would be considered terribly wasteful, disgusting or plain weird. Being single, living alone or having plenty of alone time is a blessing. Doing anything you want whilst wearing underwear, fluffy socks and a shower cap on your head (coconut oil and avocado hair mask) is the icing on the cake. So eat out of the containers, overdose on episodes of Escape to the Country, crank the 90's music and put on a concert for your dirty dishes. 

I've not nailed most of these but I am trying. and that's what it's about right?
I think at the end of the day, being a kickass single is about being a brave and content person right now. After all, if you can't be brave and content now, will you ever really be? 

But before you go, be truly brave, tell me your Secret Single Behaviour! 

7 steps to be okay when everyone else is hooking up and having babies.

Expecting, Excited,  Engaged or Egg Salad

What to do when your friends wig out on you and start coupling up or having babies?

My friend tagged me in a photo on Instagram recently. It made me laugh because I could completely relate. The feeling of being the only single person left in the room/country/world.

As I've gotten older more of my friends are celebrating amazing milestones and 98% of the time I am so outrageously happy for them. It's just the 2% of the time where I think to myself, "I wonder if I will get that too?" 

Sometimes, to be honest, it's a sucker punch to the stomach to hear someone is newly engaged or pregnant. Sometimes it's an overwhelming thought, all the supposed steps ahead that person is, while it feels like you are still in the same place you have always been. It's especially hard when you feel like the people in question haven't been through the hard yards that you have. How do you celebrate your friends joy when it highlights your lack? Here's some thoughts that help me get through these times: 

1. Emotions are supposed to be felt- When I work with young children we are often dealing with the concept of emotions. I teach children that there is nothing wrong with emotions. In fact emotions help you self regulate and find the source of unresolved issues and thought patterns about life. What is damaging is when you don't express your emotions in a way that solves issues. 

Allow yourself to feel this way- it's actually okay to give into the emotion and feel the feels. It's okay to take a breath, take a moment and allow that emotion (even the unreasonable ones) to take up room in your head. Go to bed early if you must, do what you need to do to take a beat. 

The thing is you shouldn't camp in this emotion. You need to move through it not live in it. Bitter doesn't go with your complexion, darling. Contentment however, just makes your eyes pop.

2. Talk it out- Sometimes you will be fine after a breath but sometimes you need to smash it. Find a trusted friend to do this with. This is why it is important to maintain friendships with people in similar situations to you. my single girl tribe are incredible. when someone else voices what you have been thinking all along it is such a relief. It makes you realise how completely normal you are, you are not alone and you are not a freak.  

Sometimes, however, you just need to hash it out with God. I've learnt through the years that God is much bigger than our moments of doubt or fear or anger. He can take it. Having faith doesn't mean having zero doubt in the future. It means trusting God through the doubt. I find that it takes far more faith to have a fight with God then to ignore him and stop talking to him all together. In the Psalms David and other writers would yell and cry out to God and ask him where he was in this situation. It's okay to be real with God. 

3. Celebrate- celebrate them! Be in that moment and imagine their joy, taking it on as your own. 

I can't even count the amount of baby and bridal showers I have been invited to. It can all get a bit tiresome and the novelty wears off (if you are reading this and you've had a bridal shower or baby shower that I've been invited to, then I obviously don't mean yours, I'm talking about someone else that you don't even know. Your's was lovely). 
How many "guess the flavour chocolate in the nappy" games you can play (the answer is none, this game should never be played, because, gross!) 
I have to remind myself that this moment is not about me. This is a celebration of a life-changing moment and is worth being celebrated. If this person thinks I  am important enough in their lives to invite, then i should make the most of it, buy the gift and celebrate the milestone.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:14 

4. It's not about deserving it's about timing- Timing is everything. 

It can hurt like a mofo when a barely old enough to drive girl marries a gorgeous older man and takes him out of your marriage market (she only just arrived)! What about when someone falls pregnant quite by accident and you've been trying for over a year? Or what about when someone who is completely living off the rails marries a straight up great guy and gets her life together in a matter of minutes? What about when you see your partner's ex married and pregnant before you're even mentioning the M word? 

There is so many times where people get things before you do even though you have put in the time and the hard work. It's like the slacker at work getting a promotion while you feel looked over. It's so unfair! 

And if this were a world where people got what they deserved, then you would have a point. But it's not and you don't. 

Life is about timing not deserving. There are ebs and flows, seasons and weather. I don't make the rules but there they are. 

There is a right time for everything:
a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Ecclesiasticus 3:11

I know for a fact that I would have been a far different wife or mother at 20 then I would be at 33. I have developed patience, cleaning habits, money smarts and value systems now that would cause me to make better choices now. I don't mean that someone who marries or has children young don't learn or can't be as good at what they do, all I mean it that, should I have my time again, I would still not choose that for me. I know that the timing for me in my life, so far, is perfect. I also feel that the person I will marry was not ready for a young relationship either, therefore as older adults this works for us. 

Being a person who plays by the rules may mean you don't get there "ahead" of others but I have to believe that there is a special blessing for those who do it the right way around. Integrity is so incredibly beautiful and such a gift to bring into a marriage or a family. 

5. Don't steal their season or their thunder. 

When my friend Rachel found out that her best friend Monica was engaged she realised how much she had expected to have this moment before Monica. (After all, Monica had been fat in high school.) So, instead of celebrating the engagement, Rachel made out with Monica's brother, whom she used to date, making the whole night about her. She totally stole Monica's thunder! Monica and Chandler were not happy, Ross didn't mind! (Okay so maybe not my actual friends but definitely my F.R.I.E.N.D.S) 

The point is, this is not about you! This is not your moment to shine. This is not the moment to talk about what you would do differently at your wedding or what you would name your baby or how you would parent or have a breakdown in the middle of the room and talk about your broken love life right while the groom is about to give his speech. You will have your time in the sun, this is not it.  You are not losing because they are winning. 

6. Look for the positives- I've talked many times before about the positives of being single, or not having children at the moment or not having the bf propose. There are positives, you know it, I know it, we all know it. I'm not going to bore you with then. But sometimes, when it gets tough and you aren't where you thought you would be, perhaps listing them off will help. 

So I am going to bore you with them (a womans prerogative is after all to change her mind). Sleep-ins, own finances, impromptu trips, not having to tell anyone where you are going or when you will be back, your own TV vegging times, flirting with the guy behind the bar, flirting with the girl who brings you coffee, spending your grocery money on a trip to make up heaven Mecca (or in you guys case, a trip to rebel sports for golf bats or something.... I think we have established that I genuinely don't know what guys like or what sports is) and living off 2 minute noodles and your brothers Netflix account. 

7. Have faith- Sometimes all I have is faith. Faith that God has a purpose for this season. Perhaps my season is to write and encourage others, perhaps it is to discover more about who I am. Maybe there are lessons to learn. Maybe I just need to be more bold in my daily life. I don't know. But I have faith that God has the plan, that his plan is good and that he grants the desires of our hearts to those who love him. 

Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and prayerful always. Romans 12:12

I've loved the shared stories people have been sending my privately and through public means. feel free to share with me how you cope with others seasons. 

Xxx
Shannon 

Soulmates don't exist.

Boom! Did I just blow your mind? 

When I was in year 3 I entered a story book competition. I had to write a story and then draw pictures with the hopes that I would win the grand prize of having it published. My teacher was very eager for me to enter because she said she loved my stories and pictures. 

I only wrote about one thing. I only drew one thing. I'm sort of embarrassed that I'm even sharing this... Please don't think less of me...

I wrote love stories about princes and princesses. All my princesses were blonde with freckles. All my princes had horses. 

I was very disappointed to learn that I did not with that nationally run prize and have my story sent to the masses. I was surprised because I had written the ultimate love story. I can't remember what the story was but if I do I will be sure to try and resubmit it to some publishers. 

You see, I had grown up in the golden era of Disney princesses and wanted to be a part of that world (pun intended). 

Girl stole my life. 

Okay, enough about my princess complex. Even today I speak to single girls, young and old and there is one thread that seems to unite most of them. The hope of the happily-ever-after. For their own love story to start. To meet their soul mate. Guys too, they may have acted a little more macho about it and talk about the teenage mutant ninja turtles and He-man but I know, (I have brothers) that they snuck in and watched their sister's movies dreaming to meet their soulmates or at least someone who cooks like their mum.

This story is encouraged by well meaning folk. Parents, aunts, uncles, strangers on the bus often have comments like 
"Don't worry, he's out there" 
"The One will find you when you least expect it" 
"Your soul mate is searching for you too". 
I love my friends who say that, who offer hope and believe the best. But... I'm sorry, stop the presses... Soulmates don't exist. 

Ugh sorry if that was a punch in the gut. That felt sickening to write. I still don't want to admit it. Because to admit that there is no soulmate for me leaves me with the thought "If I want to find a life partner I'm going to have work at it" and those who know me well know that I really do hate work. 

Greek philosopher Plato was the person who introduced the world to the concepts of soul mates. According to Greek mythology some people were born with four legs and four arms and Zeus split them in two. They now and forevermore wander the world looking for each other never feeling complete. 

There are so many holes in this concept yet we swallow this philosophy hook line and sinker never questioning its very foundation. In fact people get married to who they suppose is their soul mate only to find that they don't fulfil them for the long term and they begin to see all the parts of their life where they are left incomplete. What is the alternative? Living with holes simply will not do. If that person does not completely fit into your life then they simply aren't the one. Having a soulmate means that you don't have to work to keep a relationship. It means it's either meant to be or not. Why not divorce that person and carry on? After all, if that person fails then your soul mate must be still out there right? Is he?

"Okay Shannon, I get your point, so tell me, how is this soul mate theory not true? 

Firstly the guy credited in inventing or certainly perpetuating this myth believed in Zeus and believed we were created with four arms and four legs. If this doesn't discredit him, how about the fact that it was only some humans created this way, not all. What if you were one of the ones who missed out? No Soulmate for you! Why? You weren't born a mutant.

What if your soulmate dies before you meet them? Or a year into your marriage? Are you stuffed for life because your soulmate is gone? What if your soul mate is a mega loser with no job, no ambition and a foul temper? There are mega losers out there, someone has to match them, maybe that's your lot in life? What if your soulmate is married to someone else? 

What about choice? I like to have a choice in what outfit I wear, what house I buy, how I wear my hair, why would I get no choice in a life partner? 

If there is no soul mates then what? What is the actual point? What actually is out there? 

I love the phrase we often refer to in our singledom to talk about the person we will marry and spend the rest of our lives with: The One. I like the idea of The One immensely. It's so romantic really. To think that there is this One person out there. It's beautiful. however, if we are not careful, The One can be used simultaneously with the concept of Soul Mate. 

But wait... What if you've already been married though? Or what if your first partner dies? Can you call a second person The One if you called the first person The One? Was the second person really The One and the first the one before The One? This is so confusing! 

When I'm confused about anything I turn to the bible to make sense of the world. 

“‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.””‭‭Mark‬ ‭10:7-9 

This is amazing. This scripture is written many times in the bible about two becoming one. Reminds me of a Spice Girls song. 

It seems that God does have an answer for "The One" issue. The person you marry is one whole person and you are one whole person. Together, through the divine mathematics of love and God, you don't become two, you become The One together. You don't meet The One, you become The One. 

You don't fulfil every need for them and they don't fulfil your every need. Instead you compliment each other and bring out as much as you can for each other. You do have to work hard to meet your partner's needs. Because you love them, you sacrifice for them and they sacrifice for you. There will be gaps, he doesn't Jerry McGuire you. Only God can fill the spaces in between. I like to think of Him as the No More Gaps that sticks you two together. 

I love how the bible describes this process in the follow passage, that is quite often used in wedding readings. 

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4:9-12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

God is all for marriage. He loves it, supports it and blesses it. A cord of three strands not two? This speaks of God being part of your relationship. The third stand that strengthens you. 

"Okay so we have that sorted. We don't have a soulmate, The One is actually me plus partner plus God. That's lovely. But I'm single. Am I ever going to get married? Does God actually have a plan to get me with a single person that is even remotely kissable? If nobody is coming to find me, if there is no prince riding by then how is this even going to happen" I hear you say. 

Firstly calm down. 

Secondly, this bit is tricky, my housemate and I have been debating this for days. It's the case of fate versus choice. Can God truly give us freedom of choice and still plan for us to meet someone? Is it all up to us? 

Well, that is a huge topic on its own. This article seems to some up some thoughts rather well, at least far better than I would. http://www.gotquestions.org/fate-destiny.html

What do you think about all this? Were you destined to meet your partner? What roles do destiny, choice and chance have to play in your life? What about the "I knew i had met my wife" factor or the "I had a dream he was my husband"? My housemate reckons that it's a case of the exception not the rule in these scenarios. 
I'm not so sure. My romantic heart still likes to believe that God is the ultimate matchmaker. Honestly, I still am not entirely sure how it works. Is anybody? 

 Love Shannon 
xxx

5 reasons being single shouldn't be like backpacking through Europe.

Why being single can be like backpacking through Europe

"You know some singles live their life like they are backpacking through Europe," my housemate said to me last night. 

"Well that sounds like a fun way to live" I replied. 

"No!" She exclaimed, "it's a terrible way to live, you want to backpack for 6 months, not 10 years " 

She has a valid point. 

So firstly, how is backpacking through Europe anything like being single? It's simple really, many single people live as if they are in a state of "in-between" I touched briefly on this phenomenon in a previous blog That's it I'm done waiting. 

Some single people live as if they are in a holding pattern on their life. They grow up (sort of), they move out (seriously, you need to move out) and then they wait. They don't put down roots or make long term goals because they are factoring in the great unknown, the what if, the beginning of their lives has not started. 

But here's the thing. Life has already begun and you are putting things, important things on the back burner waiting for someone to come along to help carry the weight of that responsibility. Is your life a life of the temporary waiting for the permanence of home life and family to start?

This is why you should unpack the backpack and settle in one place.

1) It's hard to make a genuine contribution to the world around you

When you are travelling from one place to another it is hard to actually make a difference in a community. You arrive, meet the locals, form fast friendships built on surface level interest but there are no strong commitments to each other as friends. You don't go beyond the surface level of friendship and you don't actually get to the heart of somebody. You don't connect in a real or genuine way. What's the point, you may be gone tomorrow?

This is how some of us treat our friendships and our lives. I have spoken to women who truly believe that their "ministry" in life or their "calling" and purpose is to work in partnership with their husbands that for the present, do not exist. So instead of contributing to their friendships in meaningful ways they drift from one friendship to another and only have surface level relationships. The moment things get hard they move on. Why fight for something permanent when your life has such a sense of temporary about it? The fallout is that people miss the impact of having the absolute wonder of the real "you" in their lives. Your perspective, your knowledge, your God given skill set could actually make a real difference to your sphere of influence. You just have to invest.

Likewise, you may work but you don't make a genuine contribution to the workplace. You will be gone soon so it doesn't matter if you put in the hard yards and pull your weight. Come next year, no one will remember you anyway. 

I have to admit that this is something I struggle with. Growing up I was asked what I wanted to "become" referring to the career path I would take. My choices bumped around from actress to makeup artist to social worker but truthfully I assumed that I would work until I had children then my major role would be mother and wife and work would be secondary to raising a family. I still know that this is in some way my calling and desire, but I can’t deny the fact that for now I am a career woman. And so I have to contribute to my workplace beyond what is expected and make the most of my work life.  

Thirdly, make a contribution to a vision or a calling beyond yourself. If you are part of a church, then volunteer, contribute as much as you can while you have the time to. Yes, you work full time and you are now focussing on making a career thanks to my last point. Yet you still will have more free time than the average parent. You don’t have to find a baby sitter to go early to a service or attend a meeting at night. You still can have your rejuvenating breakfasts down at the local café on a Saturday morning. But why don’t you consider making a genuine difference to a cause too. Connect yourself to a higher purpose then your own life.

2) You can't settle, there is always the next big thing around the corner

It has to be said that someone who would chose to backpack around Europe must be a romantic and an idealist. You would have to be someone who has a dream and a vision and enjoy the idea of the wanderer. However, this sense of wanderlust can also be driven from the inability to ever be satisfied or settle. Why would you be satisfied with Rome when you know Paris is the next stop, Paris could be better right?

"What's wrong with that?" you cry! Advertising campaigns and our Instagram's are covered with quotes declaring that one should never settle, you should always be on the pursuit of more, that settling down is for the fearful.

Firstly, advertising campaigns are run by people who need for you to not be satisfied with life now or ever. The very idea of consumerism is that you must buy, you must consume you must be forever finding the better option. Does this make you happy when you get the new thing? No, it just makes you want more. When I went to IKEA to get my new table last week was I satisfied? No because during my trip I saw some amazing armchairs that would look incredible in my life, err… I mean house.

When you aren't able to settle in life then how are you supposed to be able to find a life partner? If you are always after the better thing, then that amazing girl may just pass you by because you are too scared that the next girl that comes along might be better. Let's just drop the whole "ultimate package" idea right here too. You are not buying a brand new lounge room set from Super A-Mart. Give up looking for the ultimate package and start looking for someone you have a connection to first.  

I think in fact that settling is for the brave. How amazing to say "I don't know what the future holds but I'm making this decision and I'm sticking to it"?

3)You carry your worldly possessions with you. 

When you carry around your life in a backpack it can be a very heavy and long walk. My housemate loves hiking, I picked up her hiking bag this morning. Let me tell you, that thing was heavy, about 15 kg's of weight! When you travel without anywhere to house your baggage, life becomes a painful and slow journey.

I have many single friends in my life. Some quite obviously carry a lot of baggage.

Baggage on a single person quite often looks like cynicism. Cynicism at anyone's attempts for set ups. Don't even try to get them to put their hand up anywhere to admit they are single. Don't talk to them about singles events or be sure to hear groans and see rolling of eyes. They complain there is absolutely no one of the opposite gender "out there" and all the good ones are taken. They carry past hurts with them and it is very obvious to the world around them.

I am saying "they" but I should be saying "we" as I am as big a culprit as any. I have allowed past hurts and experiences of rejection ride on my back and slow me down. The baggage quite often is disguised as protection; we carry it so that we don't feel disappointed again. Some of the baggage we have carried around since we were very young. some of the baggage is childhood hurts or school yard betrayal. We have formed views of ourselves as unlovable or inadequate and so have packed a bag full of gadgets and gizmos we hope will make up for our lack. We have also packed a tent in there so we can crawl in it and hide if it all gets too scary.

Not all the burdens in our life are easy to get rid of. I have found that some burdens are released when we talk deep and meaningfully with our friends about genuine issues in our lives (back to point 1). I have found that prayer and prayer ministry with others can be a powerful tool and I have also found that some burdens, particularly to do with childhood or very painful issues need counselling. How blessed we are to live in an age where counselling and visiting psychologists is not something to be embarrassed about but something that shows how dedicated you are to living a baggage free life.

If you are alive and in your late twenties, early thirties then there is no way you have gone this far in life without some heartbreak or baggage. If you haven't already, why don't you start unpacking your bag and dealing with these issues?

4) You start to become weird

This is pretty self-explanatory. Picture someone who has been backpacking for 6 months and you might imagine someone with a sock tan, wear a bandana. Picture someone who has been backpacking for 6 years and you imagine someone who looks like Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway with long hair and beard, sun burnt to a crisp, dirty and pretty smelly... and that's just the women.

The thing is, something like backpacking changes you long term. Your perceptions change, you view the world differently and well, you could come across as just plain weird.

I'm just going to put it out there, there are some singles who are just plain weird. They put out a weird vibe and they wonder why the other gender run a mile. You might be one of these weird people and don’t know it so I will just put it out there. So let’s set some ground rules about how you can infiltrate back into mainstream now that you have taken your backpack off and decided to no longer travel. (Hey man, you probably, like me, have some anxiety and confidence issues and don’t really want to eat your next lover’s first born.) These are based on my observations mostly of guy’s behaviour but I will try to also cover the weird girls where possible. If you do any of the following you are a weird single and you are going to struggle to find someone with the vibe you are putting out there.*

1. Don’t hover and stare. Just because you aren’t talking and we aren’t making eye contact doesn’t mean you are invisible, we are aware of your presence. You are not wearing an invisibility cloak. Say hi. Join in the conversation. Nod and laugh in the appropriate moments. If you get stuck ask a question.
2. Bathe, take care of yourself, dress nicely, smell nice, get a modern haircut.
3. Don’t be a secret harasser. You know who you are! Facebook messaging girls or guys again and again. Read the subtle clues. If they are not responding it is not because you need to try harder. I’ve known very decent guys who have developed reputations of being secret harassers.  
4. Don’t be a public harasser. The very last thing I want when I walk into a room is to be shouted at unless it’s a friend who is inviting me over to chat. You know that thing builders are known for, that happens sometimes when groups of boys are gathered around each other even at church. It’s a chicken’s way of saying “Pay attention to me while I assert my male dominance in this pack of men”. No, come over to me and say hi. Shouting out for no reason is weird.
5. Let’s be friends. Every relationship should be built on friendship anyway right?  It is very disappointing when people are nice to you until they realise you are not interested in anything romantic. It is never a waste of time to make another friend in life. Don’t be that guy who ignores her because she said no to coffee. If your friendship was so conditional on them falling for you and not actually wanting to make a genuine connection, then are you really that nice a person? And don’t whinge about them wasting your time. Like your time is any more precious than theirs. Relationships do develop from friendships. Don’t allow yourself to be used in a friendship but don’t let your pride shut it down.

 5) It get’s a bit lonely travelling alone.

Go on a long backpacking trip, and your friends will start to leave as they settle in cities or go back home to face responsibilities. Travelling alone can be rewarding but there are a lot of things about it that are hard.

I started my adult life with a whole lot of friends who were in a similar situation as me. We were all single or casually dating and an impromptu trip down south was just a juggle of work and we were off. Along the way my friends started pairing off and soon my single friends group grew very small. Trips away now had to factor in their partners and their children and became near impossible feats. With nearly all of my close friends at the moment either married or in serious relationships it can seem very much like I am travelling alone.

 I am so grateful that I have formed friendships with people who have room in their lives for me despite their marital status. Some haven’t and that’s okay. I have accepted that and moved on to people who do. I also have, along the way found new friends that are single who I can form deep bonds with and walk along side of. My housemate is one of these people. We can talk about our theories on “Soul Mates” and “The One” and all the laughable moments about knowing when to approach someone, when to wait, when to hope for something and when to move on. It’s really important to not do this life alone.

What does stopping backpacking look like in this example? It’s forming new friendships when the old ones fall away. It’s establishing new types of normal when your friends settle down.

 

So what am I really saying? I guess I’m saying that life is a journey but you do need to put down roots, make more permanent life choices, redefine your friendships as the evolve, don’t do this thing alone and get rid of you heavy burdens and most importantly, stop being weird.

 

Shannon

Xxx

*In some way I have done every one of these weird things (except the calling out thing) because I am also weird and can be anxious and socially awkward. I’m particularly weird around guys I like so I get it. It’s so hard to just be the normal you who is on the inside because the fear to perform becomes so difficult you’re your inner dialogue goes crazy. so what I am saying is focus on being friends first.

Also, it is really important to let your inner freak flag fly.

What’s the difference between freak flag and weirdo? Weirdos make us feel awkward, threatened and unsafe. Freaks make us think “gee, I wish I had the guts to truly be myself like that hero”.

So be a freak but try not to be weird. And never smell. Ever