5 reasons being single shouldn't be like backpacking through Europe.

Why being single can be like backpacking through Europe

"You know some singles live their life like they are backpacking through Europe," my housemate said to me last night. 

"Well that sounds like a fun way to live" I replied. 

"No!" She exclaimed, "it's a terrible way to live, you want to backpack for 6 months, not 10 years " 

She has a valid point. 

So firstly, how is backpacking through Europe anything like being single? It's simple really, many single people live as if they are in a state of "in-between" I touched briefly on this phenomenon in a previous blog That's it I'm done waiting. 

Some single people live as if they are in a holding pattern on their life. They grow up (sort of), they move out (seriously, you need to move out) and then they wait. They don't put down roots or make long term goals because they are factoring in the great unknown, the what if, the beginning of their lives has not started. 

But here's the thing. Life has already begun and you are putting things, important things on the back burner waiting for someone to come along to help carry the weight of that responsibility. Is your life a life of the temporary waiting for the permanence of home life and family to start?

This is why you should unpack the backpack and settle in one place.

1) It's hard to make a genuine contribution to the world around you

When you are travelling from one place to another it is hard to actually make a difference in a community. You arrive, meet the locals, form fast friendships built on surface level interest but there are no strong commitments to each other as friends. You don't go beyond the surface level of friendship and you don't actually get to the heart of somebody. You don't connect in a real or genuine way. What's the point, you may be gone tomorrow?

This is how some of us treat our friendships and our lives. I have spoken to women who truly believe that their "ministry" in life or their "calling" and purpose is to work in partnership with their husbands that for the present, do not exist. So instead of contributing to their friendships in meaningful ways they drift from one friendship to another and only have surface level relationships. The moment things get hard they move on. Why fight for something permanent when your life has such a sense of temporary about it? The fallout is that people miss the impact of having the absolute wonder of the real "you" in their lives. Your perspective, your knowledge, your God given skill set could actually make a real difference to your sphere of influence. You just have to invest.

Likewise, you may work but you don't make a genuine contribution to the workplace. You will be gone soon so it doesn't matter if you put in the hard yards and pull your weight. Come next year, no one will remember you anyway. 

I have to admit that this is something I struggle with. Growing up I was asked what I wanted to "become" referring to the career path I would take. My choices bumped around from actress to makeup artist to social worker but truthfully I assumed that I would work until I had children then my major role would be mother and wife and work would be secondary to raising a family. I still know that this is in some way my calling and desire, but I can’t deny the fact that for now I am a career woman. And so I have to contribute to my workplace beyond what is expected and make the most of my work life.  

Thirdly, make a contribution to a vision or a calling beyond yourself. If you are part of a church, then volunteer, contribute as much as you can while you have the time to. Yes, you work full time and you are now focussing on making a career thanks to my last point. Yet you still will have more free time than the average parent. You don’t have to find a baby sitter to go early to a service or attend a meeting at night. You still can have your rejuvenating breakfasts down at the local café on a Saturday morning. But why don’t you consider making a genuine difference to a cause too. Connect yourself to a higher purpose then your own life.

2) You can't settle, there is always the next big thing around the corner

It has to be said that someone who would chose to backpack around Europe must be a romantic and an idealist. You would have to be someone who has a dream and a vision and enjoy the idea of the wanderer. However, this sense of wanderlust can also be driven from the inability to ever be satisfied or settle. Why would you be satisfied with Rome when you know Paris is the next stop, Paris could be better right?

"What's wrong with that?" you cry! Advertising campaigns and our Instagram's are covered with quotes declaring that one should never settle, you should always be on the pursuit of more, that settling down is for the fearful.

Firstly, advertising campaigns are run by people who need for you to not be satisfied with life now or ever. The very idea of consumerism is that you must buy, you must consume you must be forever finding the better option. Does this make you happy when you get the new thing? No, it just makes you want more. When I went to IKEA to get my new table last week was I satisfied? No because during my trip I saw some amazing armchairs that would look incredible in my life, err… I mean house.

When you aren't able to settle in life then how are you supposed to be able to find a life partner? If you are always after the better thing, then that amazing girl may just pass you by because you are too scared that the next girl that comes along might be better. Let's just drop the whole "ultimate package" idea right here too. You are not buying a brand new lounge room set from Super A-Mart. Give up looking for the ultimate package and start looking for someone you have a connection to first.  

I think in fact that settling is for the brave. How amazing to say "I don't know what the future holds but I'm making this decision and I'm sticking to it"?

3)You carry your worldly possessions with you. 

When you carry around your life in a backpack it can be a very heavy and long walk. My housemate loves hiking, I picked up her hiking bag this morning. Let me tell you, that thing was heavy, about 15 kg's of weight! When you travel without anywhere to house your baggage, life becomes a painful and slow journey.

I have many single friends in my life. Some quite obviously carry a lot of baggage.

Baggage on a single person quite often looks like cynicism. Cynicism at anyone's attempts for set ups. Don't even try to get them to put their hand up anywhere to admit they are single. Don't talk to them about singles events or be sure to hear groans and see rolling of eyes. They complain there is absolutely no one of the opposite gender "out there" and all the good ones are taken. They carry past hurts with them and it is very obvious to the world around them.

I am saying "they" but I should be saying "we" as I am as big a culprit as any. I have allowed past hurts and experiences of rejection ride on my back and slow me down. The baggage quite often is disguised as protection; we carry it so that we don't feel disappointed again. Some of the baggage we have carried around since we were very young. some of the baggage is childhood hurts or school yard betrayal. We have formed views of ourselves as unlovable or inadequate and so have packed a bag full of gadgets and gizmos we hope will make up for our lack. We have also packed a tent in there so we can crawl in it and hide if it all gets too scary.

Not all the burdens in our life are easy to get rid of. I have found that some burdens are released when we talk deep and meaningfully with our friends about genuine issues in our lives (back to point 1). I have found that prayer and prayer ministry with others can be a powerful tool and I have also found that some burdens, particularly to do with childhood or very painful issues need counselling. How blessed we are to live in an age where counselling and visiting psychologists is not something to be embarrassed about but something that shows how dedicated you are to living a baggage free life.

If you are alive and in your late twenties, early thirties then there is no way you have gone this far in life without some heartbreak or baggage. If you haven't already, why don't you start unpacking your bag and dealing with these issues?

4) You start to become weird

This is pretty self-explanatory. Picture someone who has been backpacking for 6 months and you might imagine someone with a sock tan, wear a bandana. Picture someone who has been backpacking for 6 years and you imagine someone who looks like Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway with long hair and beard, sun burnt to a crisp, dirty and pretty smelly... and that's just the women.

The thing is, something like backpacking changes you long term. Your perceptions change, you view the world differently and well, you could come across as just plain weird.

I'm just going to put it out there, there are some singles who are just plain weird. They put out a weird vibe and they wonder why the other gender run a mile. You might be one of these weird people and don’t know it so I will just put it out there. So let’s set some ground rules about how you can infiltrate back into mainstream now that you have taken your backpack off and decided to no longer travel. (Hey man, you probably, like me, have some anxiety and confidence issues and don’t really want to eat your next lover’s first born.) These are based on my observations mostly of guy’s behaviour but I will try to also cover the weird girls where possible. If you do any of the following you are a weird single and you are going to struggle to find someone with the vibe you are putting out there.*

1. Don’t hover and stare. Just because you aren’t talking and we aren’t making eye contact doesn’t mean you are invisible, we are aware of your presence. You are not wearing an invisibility cloak. Say hi. Join in the conversation. Nod and laugh in the appropriate moments. If you get stuck ask a question.
2. Bathe, take care of yourself, dress nicely, smell nice, get a modern haircut.
3. Don’t be a secret harasser. You know who you are! Facebook messaging girls or guys again and again. Read the subtle clues. If they are not responding it is not because you need to try harder. I’ve known very decent guys who have developed reputations of being secret harassers.  
4. Don’t be a public harasser. The very last thing I want when I walk into a room is to be shouted at unless it’s a friend who is inviting me over to chat. You know that thing builders are known for, that happens sometimes when groups of boys are gathered around each other even at church. It’s a chicken’s way of saying “Pay attention to me while I assert my male dominance in this pack of men”. No, come over to me and say hi. Shouting out for no reason is weird.
5. Let’s be friends. Every relationship should be built on friendship anyway right?  It is very disappointing when people are nice to you until they realise you are not interested in anything romantic. It is never a waste of time to make another friend in life. Don’t be that guy who ignores her because she said no to coffee. If your friendship was so conditional on them falling for you and not actually wanting to make a genuine connection, then are you really that nice a person? And don’t whinge about them wasting your time. Like your time is any more precious than theirs. Relationships do develop from friendships. Don’t allow yourself to be used in a friendship but don’t let your pride shut it down.

 5) It get’s a bit lonely travelling alone.

Go on a long backpacking trip, and your friends will start to leave as they settle in cities or go back home to face responsibilities. Travelling alone can be rewarding but there are a lot of things about it that are hard.

I started my adult life with a whole lot of friends who were in a similar situation as me. We were all single or casually dating and an impromptu trip down south was just a juggle of work and we were off. Along the way my friends started pairing off and soon my single friends group grew very small. Trips away now had to factor in their partners and their children and became near impossible feats. With nearly all of my close friends at the moment either married or in serious relationships it can seem very much like I am travelling alone.

 I am so grateful that I have formed friendships with people who have room in their lives for me despite their marital status. Some haven’t and that’s okay. I have accepted that and moved on to people who do. I also have, along the way found new friends that are single who I can form deep bonds with and walk along side of. My housemate is one of these people. We can talk about our theories on “Soul Mates” and “The One” and all the laughable moments about knowing when to approach someone, when to wait, when to hope for something and when to move on. It’s really important to not do this life alone.

What does stopping backpacking look like in this example? It’s forming new friendships when the old ones fall away. It’s establishing new types of normal when your friends settle down.

 

So what am I really saying? I guess I’m saying that life is a journey but you do need to put down roots, make more permanent life choices, redefine your friendships as the evolve, don’t do this thing alone and get rid of you heavy burdens and most importantly, stop being weird.

 

Shannon

Xxx

*In some way I have done every one of these weird things (except the calling out thing) because I am also weird and can be anxious and socially awkward. I’m particularly weird around guys I like so I get it. It’s so hard to just be the normal you who is on the inside because the fear to perform becomes so difficult you’re your inner dialogue goes crazy. so what I am saying is focus on being friends first.

Also, it is really important to let your inner freak flag fly.

What’s the difference between freak flag and weirdo? Weirdos make us feel awkward, threatened and unsafe. Freaks make us think “gee, I wish I had the guts to truly be myself like that hero”.

So be a freak but try not to be weird. And never smell. Ever

Should I post so many selfies? Or The Perfection Perception: The problem with comparison in social media.

Should I post so many selfies? 

Or The Perfection Perception: The problem with comparison in social media. 

There is a backlash happening at the moment against the social media "perfection perception" epidemic. The idea is that we, as normal people with faults and acne and unfortunate body hairs, growing in weird places, look at people on social media with their perfectly manufactured lives and start to feel like their life is better than ours. This comparison then leads to depression, low self esteem and anxiety that we are not good enough. So therefore, we, as a participant in the social media world should watch how much of our image is personified as perfect. 

Confession: I just posted this on Instagram declaring I was just about to sit down and write this blog. Really what I i was hoping you would do is see how fabulous my new office is and see that I just purchased a new chair. My post was already written.

I can see the point but I don't really think that this is anything new. This lie that the "grass is greener on the other side" wasn't created by social media. Before anyone and everyone could edit with FaceTune to get the perfect selfie and take 20 photos in the right light, people were comparing themselves to others. 

Before social media we had glossy magazines, before glossy magazines, we would compare ourselves to the people in the movies, before the movies we had portraits painted of our best sides and before that we compared our cave drawings. 

"No Ug, you will have to carve my image into a rock again. The lighting is terrible in here, you can't see how big my rock throwing arm is and Blug's husband made her thighs twice as big. My thighs don't even look like they are touching each other in your drawing" -Glug (cave woman) circa 10,000BC

My point is this, it is our very nature to compare, to want what the Joneses have and keep up with the Kardashians. Does this mean that we should just go with it? No! We also have it in our nature to want what everyone else has and to snatch and grab I certainly wouldn't encourage stealing. In fact Theodore Roosevelt said "Comparison is the thief of joy". So stop stealing your own joy you idiot! (Sorry that was mean, but you are being an idiot so not totally undeserved) 

So what should we do about it?
One solution that I have noticed lately is a movement (when I say movement I mean that there is a hashtag) called #radicalhonesty. It features beautiful fashion bloggers from around the world confessing their faults. Like this one lady doesn't want to be called a fashionister, she wants to be called a fashion designer. Another, well one time, when someone took her photo her shoe fell off, total Cinderella embarrassment mode. Another admits reluctantly that she sometimes get so distracted by her phone, she doesn't hear her friend speak. Oh the humanity! I'm so glad that there are brave, real women who share these deep seeded agonising secrets. Thanks for being radically honest. I feel better as a human now.* 

But let's get real. If we want this movement to work then we need actual, real life honesty. Like I want to hear about a fashion blogger who look their fashion week laxatives a few hours too late and accidentally pooped a little during a runway show. I want to hear about the model with the cluster of warts that cover most of her back and I want to hear about the fashion designer who steals all his designs from clothing patterns sold in spotlight. Now that's radical honesty. 

Perhaps, I don't want to think these people in my social media cloud of "perfection perception" are just like me? I want to hear that they are worse off than me. That even though they have money and looks and hot husbands, they have more crap going on then me. My basic human instinct isn't to bring people down to my level, it's to step on people so that I rise above them in some way. This is the filthy, evil side of comparison. 

This is the very premise that glossy gossip mags count on. The covers of these glorified kitty tray liners are not ones saying "Oh look Kiera Knightly also sometimes gets grumpy and has to go to bed early". NO! They are saying "Brad and Angelina, their marriage is worse than yours, Ange is anorexic and well, their kids don't even talk to them. See your life ain't so bad!"

The war on the selfie

So my question is this: should we un-photoshop our selfies so that we are more with the people? Should we stop taking selfies all together in case someone gets the impression that we are vain or like the way we look? Should we apologise for posting photos of the house we just cleaned or the new car we just brought? Should we only post the ugly and unsuccessful so that people feel better about their lives? 

In my humble opinion. BIG FAT NO! If you love a photo of yourself, if it shows off your dimples you got from your mamma, your muscles you've been working hard to get and your new hair cut, then I say post away! Capture the good light The Good Lord graced you with today, capture that emotion you felt as you got ready for a special occasion and capture the pride you felt when you finally fit into your skinny jeans. And remember you will never be this young again. Document it while you can! Facebook is your time capsule. Let your light shine! 

Confession: We searched high and low for good lighting and when we struck gold we went to town and took over 20 images (well over). I am posting these because my eyes sparkle and my makeup looks great. Also, red lipstick makes your teeth look white yes there is a lot of filter action happening here. 

It is always worth asking, however, why are you posting the photo? The bible says:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1: 10

What is your motivation of posting the photo? Are you celebrating a moment or are you wanting validation from people? 

What should we do to combat comparison then? 

Be honest (but actually honest) 

I think we should be honest with how good our life is and how tricky our life is also. Post those amazing photos but also tell the embarrassing stories. Talk about the time you fell off the wharf whilst crabbing, or the time you fell on your hands and knees in front of oncoming traffic and your crush (These both happened to me). Admit your fear of needles and rejection (also me). Consider sharing about your hard days. Be real. Not radical, just real.  

But also, please no TMI. 

One of the aims of my blog is to have an honest account of my life. From time to time I will be vulnerable and share from the heart. But you know what, at the end of the day, some things are private. I'm not going to tell you everything about myself because, well, would I post it on a billboard for 1000 people to drive by and see? No. There are things that need to be kept between friends or even to myself. And I just refuse to post about my bowel movements (old fashioned I know). So is being honest really the only answer? 

Perhaps it is less about what you post as a person but how you feel about what others post? After all, only you can control your emotions. 

Know Who YOU are

You need to stop comparing yourself. You are glorious in all your ways. Beautifully and wonderfully made by a creative creator who love you. Your value is NEVER shaped by other people's lives. Your value does not diminish when someone of equal value walks by. Your value is MORE precious than rubies. Nobody is less or more then you. You are not a 5 on a bad day, 7 on a good day. You are always a 10 to God. 

And hold up!  This is for guys too! You are also precious, amazing, wonderful and all things God delights in. You were made to be strong and victorious and an overcomer. Yes I know the word precious is a bit girly and usually used to describe kitty's and princesses but damn it man! You are precious, in the most manly way possible. You are also a 10. (Sidenote: can you please throw out that rating system thing that some guys do of girls. Because you know that makes you a big fat 0 right? I mean seriously, respect yourself)

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:14

Confession: I have never been arrested for being a hipster. 

Stop the damage! 

Stop tearing others down to make yourself feel better. You want to feel better about yourselves? You want others to as well? Then stop the gossip, stop buying the gossip rags. Stop clicking on the click bait on social media that tears people down. Stop making the passive aggressive comments on people's pages where it looks like you've said something nice but there is a mean spirit behind it. We can all read between the lines of these comments. Ruining somebody else's worth does not make you feel better at all. It will feel good in the moment but will leave a bitter taste in your mouth. You want to stop the thief of comparison, then cut him off at the source, filthy jealousy. 

Problem solved (sort of)

So what's my point? What's the answer? 

Stop comparing yourself! Stop hoping that other people will fail so you can win. Just because someone is beautiful it doesn't devalue your beauty. Be proud of who you are! Post your accomplishments and selfies. Be honest but don't overshare. Realise that everyone has things great and things not so great things going on. Perfection doesn't exist.

I will leave you with this. 

"If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand."  Philippians 2:3 (msg)

Another version says:

 "Don’t be selfish; don’t live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself." Philippians 2:3 (TLB)

Forget yourself. Comparison is, at the end of the day, about dwelling on what you can get out of life. Think instead about what you can give. 

Love Shannon 

Xxxx

*I think there are much better things to start movements with (by movement I mean hashtag). If I were to start a movement I would ban any hate talk against cats #catsarepeopletoo and stop the use of the word LOL #LOLisvom. 

That's it, I'm done waiting!

I'm done waiting, you should join me.

I have decided it is time I stopped waiting for my prince to come along so we could build our palace together. I have decided to build my own (palace that is, not prince).

I went for a beach stroll with my friend on Saturday. We talked about the changes in our lives and the goals we were setting for ourselves this year. 

She is one of the most secure, independent girls I know, yet when I brought up the subject of building a home by myself she was blown away. She couldn't help but admit that she hadn't thought of getting property because, unconsciously, she was saving that for when she settled down with the man of her dreams. She immediately started making plans to get the piece of land she dreamed of by the sea, to build her cabin. 

Time is a massive jerk! 

Here's the thing friends. If you are waiting to find someone before you buy your house, take your trip or climb your mountain then you are waiting for all the wrong reasons! Time isn't standing still, waiting for you to fall in love, making sure that you are compatible and that you have the same life goals. Time doesn't care that you are planning for your first overseas trip to be your honeymoon or that you have the perfect vision of picking carpet swatches with your wife. Time is a jerk and your next birthday is going to come around like clockwork whether you make those decisions or not. Time doesn't give a rip about your agenda. You will get old regardless. 

It's time to grow up!

Look, if the timing is bad for you because you aren't earning enough or you are working hard at your career or you need to live with your family right now then this is one thing. If you are getting into credit card debt and wasting your money on silly things to make you feel good while you wait... Then you might as well be sitting in a large waiting room playing candy crush. You're gonna spend a whole lot of money on something that is digital, something that quite frankly doesn't exist. Something that will only have a negative impact on your life. I've said it before and I will say it again, candy crush ruins lives! And so do poor choices made from buying things for the wrong reasons. 

Get out of the waiting room!

Enough is enough. Clear your debt, stop living like a 18 year old Uni student (when you are actually 30). Start living the grown up life you dreamed of, with or without your dream person.* 

In the spirit of inspiring you, I have written for you, my beloved singleton, 5 reasons why buying a house is better on your own. 

1. Size doesn't matter. 

My first house will be small. I won't have much of a garden and not much room for a growing family. But who cares?  I'm not growing a family in there. When the time comes I can sell the house or use the equity to buy a bigger house to raise the family. My house is perfect for just me. 

2. You probably won't die in it. 

Following on from point 2, I'm not planning on growing old in the house. It won't fulfil all my needs through my entire life. It's just a stepping stone. This means it doesn't have to have the giant theatre or the 4th bedroom. It doesn't have to be the dream home. It's the "nice for now home". Remember the great house that you grew up in? It probably wasn't the first house your parents ever lived in, they started small and humble so stop trying to replicate that last home lifestyle with your first! Work your way up. My parent's first home cost $38,000 and definitely didn't have air conditioning and stone bench tops.

3. Property is always a wise investment. 

I know some people will tell you that property isn't the way to go. And short term maybe not, but long term, a house in the right location is always a wise choice. You may meet the person of your dreams tomorrow. What you will bring into the relationship is property, equity and something of value that can be rented out if need be. You could bring in bad credit card debt instead if you wanted to i suppose...

4. No poo brown tiles (unless that's what you are into). 

My friend recently built a home with her husband. He has a strong opinion about home decor. Shame that it's a style much suited to 10 years ago. My friend felt she compromised a lot on the design and colours because of his ideas of what looked good. Instead of the wooden floorboards she envisioned, she compromised for brown tiles. Not sure if I could do that. It may not be the style you have to compromise on, but let me make this clear, I got my amazing scullery added and didn't have to worry about the size of the theatre or room for a shed. #winning

5. Queen bee or Top Dog

If you rent out a room to help with the mortgage then you are the boss of the share house. No more tiptoeing around the fact that your housemate doesn't wash their dishes or help with the clean up for rent inspections. No more competing for the queen bee of the home or the alpha male. You are in charge and others have to keep the house to your standards or they are out. Just think of all the power you will then possess!  The ULTIMATE POWEEEER! (Super villain laugh)

Hey look, not everyone earns enough to get a mortgage right now I get it. But is there something in your life you didn't realise you were waiting for? Are you wasting your earnings on things rather than making life decisions that will bring you long term rewards? 

Get out of the waiting room! Start running towards your dreams. Live! Take risks! Make goals. Set yourself targets. Take the road less travelled. Blow your mind! **

You got this! 

Shannon 

xxx

*Notice I didn't say "Perhaps you'll meet your person "out there" on your big mountain or holiday or building your house" this is for four reasons. 

1. Singles hate hearing that crap, as if we don't already think that every day. This is not a new concept for us. We all have internal monologues based around the thought that the time we met The One was when we decided to go to the shops in what we slept in the night before and because of that, The One has decided to live a life of celibacy. 

2. You might not met The One "out there". You might meet The One curled up under your doona... the psych doctor coming to assess your mental stability because you've been in bed for two weeks. Nursing you back to health one spoonful of Ben & Jerry's at a time. To dream the impossible dream. 
Don't stay in bed though, that is the opposite of the point I'm trying to make. Just get on with things, is what I'm saying. 

3. You may think you will meet The One when you are shopping in display homes but do not be deceived... that salesperson is only after one thing and it's in your pants... eww guys, I meant your wallet!

4. Can anyone tell me where "out there" is? I've been told to put myself "out there" more but I'm struggling to find it!

** note to self insert more inspiring quotes here... maybe sporting ones... also, find out what sport is...

What I really think of your husband.

What I really think of your husband. 
Most of my friends are married now. It's the circle of life it seems, especially at my age. I love my married friends and I cherish the time I spend with them. They have such a different set of priorities then my single friends and I love listening to their recounts of their lives so full of love.  

During this season of my life I've had some strange comments from my beautiful bride friends that have been impossible to ignore such as:  

"Are you jealous that I'm getting married and you're not?" 

"Do you mind if my hubby stays at home when you come over?"

"Do you think my husband is hot?"  

It's made me think that maybe my friends are wondering what I really think of their husbands, their marriage and how life as changed, perhaps they are trying to figure out where I now can be placed within their world? 

I thought maybe we could catch up over a cup of coffee and I could share with you what enters my mind when I think about your husband. 

"I'll have a strong latte thanks"

Firstly, please keep in mind these are general thoughts and are not aimed at any particular friend of mine. They are the way I think and may not reflect every single girl's thoughts but I'm sure they speak for some. 


1. First things first (I'm a realist). I think your husband is great! 
I love LOVE and I love that you are LOVED! There is someone in this world who loves and sees in you what I see. He wants to protect you and care for you and have babies with you. This is the best thing I could have ever hoped for. As long as he continues to love and protect you I will be his number two fan (because you are his number one of course) 


2. I'm not jealous. 
I don't want to marry him. Sorry, I know you can't keep your hands off him and he's the best looking thing ever. But I'm cool with not feeling that way about him, as are both of you I'm sure. I'm not jealous because he's the one for you and not the one for me. Yes I want the marriage thing eventually but I'm happy to wait for my person. You can keep yours. 


3. I don't have the hots for him.

If you are familiar with scrubs you will remember the episode where JD notices a "new" hot girl at the hospital. The twist is she's not new, she was just wearing a wedding ring before and now she's not. JD has a thing where married women are literally invisible to him. I like to think I'm that way about married men and men in relationships. Not everyone is this way to be fair, but I am (I even feel bad about liking married celebrities). I genuinely don't have the hots for your husband or boyfriend. He doesn't even register in my man radar (come on singles, you are lying if you say you don't have one). Can I see that he is a good looking man that photographs well? Yes. Do I think he's hot? Nah. 


4. Don't you forget about me now that you have him. 
Please don't forget about me now that you are married. Please invite me over or out from time to time. I don't ask for myself sometimes because I'm trying to respect your time and your commitments to your beautiful family. Please don't just ditch me for just the married friends. I can be a great 5th or 7th wheel I promise. 
 I also won't get upset at you if you chose your husband over me. If you say "I can't come because the hubster wants time" I will never make you feel bad. This is your number one relationship and I respect that. However please don't use him as an excuse if you don't want to go somewhere. It's just as bad as you saying the "my mum said I can't sleep over" lie we used to say in high school. I can see through it and prefer the truth.  
My single friend made the statement recently, 
"I understand that I'm not their number one person, however, I wish she would consider that sometimes she is my number 1. So when she bails or doesn't make an effort it hurts."
Honestly, I probably won't tell you at the time that I'm hurt, I don't want to be someone who emotionally blackmails you or makes you regret your decisions to hang with your hubby. I will just quietly move on with my life hoping that you will contact me. I may stop trying after a while though. 


4. I would love to hang out with you and the hubster sometimes.
He is a part of you. I understand you better when I hang out with him too. Don't send him away every time I pop over. If I need to D&M* I will give you the heads up. Sometimes I need the married mans perspective too. 

Like when I need to decipher a cryptic message from a boy, I occasionally need a guy to say "Yeah he probably just means exactly what he said" or some other genius statement like that. 

5. Protect my heart. 
I'm cool with you telling him some stuff about me but please respect that somethings are private. I can only truly share my heart with you if I trust you. If I want perspective from him I will ask. Some secrets are yours to share but some are mine. Please be respectful with things that are deep in my heart. 


6. Protect his reputation.
What you say to me about your husband will resonate a long time with me. If you are constantly complaining and telling me what a terrible man he is then I will believe you. Remember that I'm not going home to make up (out) with him so I'm gonna stay mad long after the fight is finished between you two. I want my friend treated right. So if you need to complain put a disclaimer in front, tell me the good things too. 

I have a friend who is brilliant at doing this. She will complain that he didn't help around the house but in the next breath tell me about how romantic he is and how he made her favourite dinner and put all the kids to bed before she go home. She is real about her relationship. She isnt the victim of a terrible marriage, he isnt the hero of the world. They are just real people and I am, as a result, a massive fan of her husband. When she does complain, I can remind her of what an absolute legend he is. When she gloats I can roll my eyes and secretly be grateful for the great marriage model she is displaying. 

I want to be the biggest cheerleader for your relationship so give me all the information so I can support both of you to fight for your marriage. 


7. Protect my reputation. 
In the same way, when you have an issue with me and complain to him remember that he wants to protect you first. He will believe your side even when you know that's not the whole truth. If you spin a web of stories about how much of a massive 'Itch with a B' I am then he will believe you. Do you think he's gonna want you hanging out with me even after you've gotten over it?

 I've seen it happen that a husband is so protective of his wife that he's encouraged and supported the breakdown of friendships because he only know the worst parts. Tell him the good things too. You want him to be saying 

"You've had a hard day, go see your girls and unwind".  

Not "Stay away from that she-devil, she's gonna make your day harder". 

I'm not saying don't bare your soul. I'm just saying be honest and real about the situation. Be fair to him and me.  

9. I respect your marriage. 
I am determined to be respectful of your relationship. I won't text him unless you are aware of the texting that is going on or we are organising a surprise for you. I don't have a reason to text him and I want you to feel so secure in our relationship being an open book. This isn't every single girl's policy, but it is important to me.  


10. I'm not your marriage councillor. 
Marriage is hard (so I'm told). I'm not married and I never have been. Don't come to me for marriage or relationship advice. I give the illusion of being wise and insightful (and I totally am) but I can't talk about what I don't know about. I've given the worst possible advice to my married friends in the past, thankfully they didn't take it and are still married. #sorryboutit  

I hope you see my heart when I share my perspective on the role of the single girl in your married world. 

 What do you do as a single to keep your friendships with marrieds alive? How does it feel to be married with single friends? What are your thoughts on the singles and marrieds dynamic? 

 Shannon xxx