7 steps to be okay when everyone else is hooking up and having babies.

Expecting, Excited,  Engaged or Egg Salad

What to do when your friends wig out on you and start coupling up or having babies?

My friend tagged me in a photo on Instagram recently. It made me laugh because I could completely relate. The feeling of being the only single person left in the room/country/world.

As I've gotten older more of my friends are celebrating amazing milestones and 98% of the time I am so outrageously happy for them. It's just the 2% of the time where I think to myself, "I wonder if I will get that too?" 

Sometimes, to be honest, it's a sucker punch to the stomach to hear someone is newly engaged or pregnant. Sometimes it's an overwhelming thought, all the supposed steps ahead that person is, while it feels like you are still in the same place you have always been. It's especially hard when you feel like the people in question haven't been through the hard yards that you have. How do you celebrate your friends joy when it highlights your lack? Here's some thoughts that help me get through these times: 

1. Emotions are supposed to be felt- When I work with young children we are often dealing with the concept of emotions. I teach children that there is nothing wrong with emotions. In fact emotions help you self regulate and find the source of unresolved issues and thought patterns about life. What is damaging is when you don't express your emotions in a way that solves issues. 

Allow yourself to feel this way- it's actually okay to give into the emotion and feel the feels. It's okay to take a breath, take a moment and allow that emotion (even the unreasonable ones) to take up room in your head. Go to bed early if you must, do what you need to do to take a beat. 

The thing is you shouldn't camp in this emotion. You need to move through it not live in it. Bitter doesn't go with your complexion, darling. Contentment however, just makes your eyes pop.

2. Talk it out- Sometimes you will be fine after a breath but sometimes you need to smash it. Find a trusted friend to do this with. This is why it is important to maintain friendships with people in similar situations to you. my single girl tribe are incredible. when someone else voices what you have been thinking all along it is such a relief. It makes you realise how completely normal you are, you are not alone and you are not a freak.  

Sometimes, however, you just need to hash it out with God. I've learnt through the years that God is much bigger than our moments of doubt or fear or anger. He can take it. Having faith doesn't mean having zero doubt in the future. It means trusting God through the doubt. I find that it takes far more faith to have a fight with God then to ignore him and stop talking to him all together. In the Psalms David and other writers would yell and cry out to God and ask him where he was in this situation. It's okay to be real with God. 

3. Celebrate- celebrate them! Be in that moment and imagine their joy, taking it on as your own. 

I can't even count the amount of baby and bridal showers I have been invited to. It can all get a bit tiresome and the novelty wears off (if you are reading this and you've had a bridal shower or baby shower that I've been invited to, then I obviously don't mean yours, I'm talking about someone else that you don't even know. Your's was lovely). 
How many "guess the flavour chocolate in the nappy" games you can play (the answer is none, this game should never be played, because, gross!) 
I have to remind myself that this moment is not about me. This is a celebration of a life-changing moment and is worth being celebrated. If this person thinks I  am important enough in their lives to invite, then i should make the most of it, buy the gift and celebrate the milestone.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:14 

4. It's not about deserving it's about timing- Timing is everything. 

It can hurt like a mofo when a barely old enough to drive girl marries a gorgeous older man and takes him out of your marriage market (she only just arrived)! What about when someone falls pregnant quite by accident and you've been trying for over a year? Or what about when someone who is completely living off the rails marries a straight up great guy and gets her life together in a matter of minutes? What about when you see your partner's ex married and pregnant before you're even mentioning the M word? 

There is so many times where people get things before you do even though you have put in the time and the hard work. It's like the slacker at work getting a promotion while you feel looked over. It's so unfair! 

And if this were a world where people got what they deserved, then you would have a point. But it's not and you don't. 

Life is about timing not deserving. There are ebs and flows, seasons and weather. I don't make the rules but there they are. 

There is a right time for everything:
a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Ecclesiasticus 3:11

I know for a fact that I would have been a far different wife or mother at 20 then I would be at 33. I have developed patience, cleaning habits, money smarts and value systems now that would cause me to make better choices now. I don't mean that someone who marries or has children young don't learn or can't be as good at what they do, all I mean it that, should I have my time again, I would still not choose that for me. I know that the timing for me in my life, so far, is perfect. I also feel that the person I will marry was not ready for a young relationship either, therefore as older adults this works for us. 

Being a person who plays by the rules may mean you don't get there "ahead" of others but I have to believe that there is a special blessing for those who do it the right way around. Integrity is so incredibly beautiful and such a gift to bring into a marriage or a family. 

5. Don't steal their season or their thunder. 

When my friend Rachel found out that her best friend Monica was engaged she realised how much she had expected to have this moment before Monica. (After all, Monica had been fat in high school.) So, instead of celebrating the engagement, Rachel made out with Monica's brother, whom she used to date, making the whole night about her. She totally stole Monica's thunder! Monica and Chandler were not happy, Ross didn't mind! (Okay so maybe not my actual friends but definitely my F.R.I.E.N.D.S) 

The point is, this is not about you! This is not your moment to shine. This is not the moment to talk about what you would do differently at your wedding or what you would name your baby or how you would parent or have a breakdown in the middle of the room and talk about your broken love life right while the groom is about to give his speech. You will have your time in the sun, this is not it.  You are not losing because they are winning. 

6. Look for the positives- I've talked many times before about the positives of being single, or not having children at the moment or not having the bf propose. There are positives, you know it, I know it, we all know it. I'm not going to bore you with then. But sometimes, when it gets tough and you aren't where you thought you would be, perhaps listing them off will help. 

So I am going to bore you with them (a womans prerogative is after all to change her mind). Sleep-ins, own finances, impromptu trips, not having to tell anyone where you are going or when you will be back, your own TV vegging times, flirting with the guy behind the bar, flirting with the girl who brings you coffee, spending your grocery money on a trip to make up heaven Mecca (or in you guys case, a trip to rebel sports for golf bats or something.... I think we have established that I genuinely don't know what guys like or what sports is) and living off 2 minute noodles and your brothers Netflix account. 

7. Have faith- Sometimes all I have is faith. Faith that God has a purpose for this season. Perhaps my season is to write and encourage others, perhaps it is to discover more about who I am. Maybe there are lessons to learn. Maybe I just need to be more bold in my daily life. I don't know. But I have faith that God has the plan, that his plan is good and that he grants the desires of our hearts to those who love him. 

Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and prayerful always. Romans 12:12

I've loved the shared stories people have been sending my privately and through public means. feel free to share with me how you cope with others seasons. 

Xxx
Shannon 

Soulmates don't exist.

Boom! Did I just blow your mind? 

When I was in year 3 I entered a story book competition. I had to write a story and then draw pictures with the hopes that I would win the grand prize of having it published. My teacher was very eager for me to enter because she said she loved my stories and pictures. 

I only wrote about one thing. I only drew one thing. I'm sort of embarrassed that I'm even sharing this... Please don't think less of me...

I wrote love stories about princes and princesses. All my princesses were blonde with freckles. All my princes had horses. 

I was very disappointed to learn that I did not with that nationally run prize and have my story sent to the masses. I was surprised because I had written the ultimate love story. I can't remember what the story was but if I do I will be sure to try and resubmit it to some publishers. 

You see, I had grown up in the golden era of Disney princesses and wanted to be a part of that world (pun intended). 

Girl stole my life. 

Okay, enough about my princess complex. Even today I speak to single girls, young and old and there is one thread that seems to unite most of them. The hope of the happily-ever-after. For their own love story to start. To meet their soul mate. Guys too, they may have acted a little more macho about it and talk about the teenage mutant ninja turtles and He-man but I know, (I have brothers) that they snuck in and watched their sister's movies dreaming to meet their soulmates or at least someone who cooks like their mum.

This story is encouraged by well meaning folk. Parents, aunts, uncles, strangers on the bus often have comments like 
"Don't worry, he's out there" 
"The One will find you when you least expect it" 
"Your soul mate is searching for you too". 
I love my friends who say that, who offer hope and believe the best. But... I'm sorry, stop the presses... Soulmates don't exist. 

Ugh sorry if that was a punch in the gut. That felt sickening to write. I still don't want to admit it. Because to admit that there is no soulmate for me leaves me with the thought "If I want to find a life partner I'm going to have work at it" and those who know me well know that I really do hate work. 

Greek philosopher Plato was the person who introduced the world to the concepts of soul mates. According to Greek mythology some people were born with four legs and four arms and Zeus split them in two. They now and forevermore wander the world looking for each other never feeling complete. 

There are so many holes in this concept yet we swallow this philosophy hook line and sinker never questioning its very foundation. In fact people get married to who they suppose is their soul mate only to find that they don't fulfil them for the long term and they begin to see all the parts of their life where they are left incomplete. What is the alternative? Living with holes simply will not do. If that person does not completely fit into your life then they simply aren't the one. Having a soulmate means that you don't have to work to keep a relationship. It means it's either meant to be or not. Why not divorce that person and carry on? After all, if that person fails then your soul mate must be still out there right? Is he?

"Okay Shannon, I get your point, so tell me, how is this soul mate theory not true? 

Firstly the guy credited in inventing or certainly perpetuating this myth believed in Zeus and believed we were created with four arms and four legs. If this doesn't discredit him, how about the fact that it was only some humans created this way, not all. What if you were one of the ones who missed out? No Soulmate for you! Why? You weren't born a mutant.

What if your soulmate dies before you meet them? Or a year into your marriage? Are you stuffed for life because your soulmate is gone? What if your soul mate is a mega loser with no job, no ambition and a foul temper? There are mega losers out there, someone has to match them, maybe that's your lot in life? What if your soulmate is married to someone else? 

What about choice? I like to have a choice in what outfit I wear, what house I buy, how I wear my hair, why would I get no choice in a life partner? 

If there is no soul mates then what? What is the actual point? What actually is out there? 

I love the phrase we often refer to in our singledom to talk about the person we will marry and spend the rest of our lives with: The One. I like the idea of The One immensely. It's so romantic really. To think that there is this One person out there. It's beautiful. however, if we are not careful, The One can be used simultaneously with the concept of Soul Mate. 

But wait... What if you've already been married though? Or what if your first partner dies? Can you call a second person The One if you called the first person The One? Was the second person really The One and the first the one before The One? This is so confusing! 

When I'm confused about anything I turn to the bible to make sense of the world. 

“‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.””‭‭Mark‬ ‭10:7-9 

This is amazing. This scripture is written many times in the bible about two becoming one. Reminds me of a Spice Girls song. 

It seems that God does have an answer for "The One" issue. The person you marry is one whole person and you are one whole person. Together, through the divine mathematics of love and God, you don't become two, you become The One together. You don't meet The One, you become The One. 

You don't fulfil every need for them and they don't fulfil your every need. Instead you compliment each other and bring out as much as you can for each other. You do have to work hard to meet your partner's needs. Because you love them, you sacrifice for them and they sacrifice for you. There will be gaps, he doesn't Jerry McGuire you. Only God can fill the spaces in between. I like to think of Him as the No More Gaps that sticks you two together. 

I love how the bible describes this process in the follow passage, that is quite often used in wedding readings. 

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4:9-12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

God is all for marriage. He loves it, supports it and blesses it. A cord of three strands not two? This speaks of God being part of your relationship. The third stand that strengthens you. 

"Okay so we have that sorted. We don't have a soulmate, The One is actually me plus partner plus God. That's lovely. But I'm single. Am I ever going to get married? Does God actually have a plan to get me with a single person that is even remotely kissable? If nobody is coming to find me, if there is no prince riding by then how is this even going to happen" I hear you say. 

Firstly calm down. 

Secondly, this bit is tricky, my housemate and I have been debating this for days. It's the case of fate versus choice. Can God truly give us freedom of choice and still plan for us to meet someone? Is it all up to us? 

Well, that is a huge topic on its own. This article seems to some up some thoughts rather well, at least far better than I would. http://www.gotquestions.org/fate-destiny.html

What do you think about all this? Were you destined to meet your partner? What roles do destiny, choice and chance have to play in your life? What about the "I knew i had met my wife" factor or the "I had a dream he was my husband"? My housemate reckons that it's a case of the exception not the rule in these scenarios. 
I'm not so sure. My romantic heart still likes to believe that God is the ultimate matchmaker. Honestly, I still am not entirely sure how it works. Is anybody? 

 Love Shannon 
xxx