7 steps to be okay when everyone else is hooking up and having babies.

Expecting, Excited,  Engaged or Egg Salad

What to do when your friends wig out on you and start coupling up or having babies?

My friend tagged me in a photo on Instagram recently. It made me laugh because I could completely relate. The feeling of being the only single person left in the room/country/world.

As I've gotten older more of my friends are celebrating amazing milestones and 98% of the time I am so outrageously happy for them. It's just the 2% of the time where I think to myself, "I wonder if I will get that too?" 

Sometimes, to be honest, it's a sucker punch to the stomach to hear someone is newly engaged or pregnant. Sometimes it's an overwhelming thought, all the supposed steps ahead that person is, while it feels like you are still in the same place you have always been. It's especially hard when you feel like the people in question haven't been through the hard yards that you have. How do you celebrate your friends joy when it highlights your lack? Here's some thoughts that help me get through these times: 

1. Emotions are supposed to be felt- When I work with young children we are often dealing with the concept of emotions. I teach children that there is nothing wrong with emotions. In fact emotions help you self regulate and find the source of unresolved issues and thought patterns about life. What is damaging is when you don't express your emotions in a way that solves issues. 

Allow yourself to feel this way- it's actually okay to give into the emotion and feel the feels. It's okay to take a breath, take a moment and allow that emotion (even the unreasonable ones) to take up room in your head. Go to bed early if you must, do what you need to do to take a beat. 

The thing is you shouldn't camp in this emotion. You need to move through it not live in it. Bitter doesn't go with your complexion, darling. Contentment however, just makes your eyes pop.

2. Talk it out- Sometimes you will be fine after a breath but sometimes you need to smash it. Find a trusted friend to do this with. This is why it is important to maintain friendships with people in similar situations to you. my single girl tribe are incredible. when someone else voices what you have been thinking all along it is such a relief. It makes you realise how completely normal you are, you are not alone and you are not a freak.  

Sometimes, however, you just need to hash it out with God. I've learnt through the years that God is much bigger than our moments of doubt or fear or anger. He can take it. Having faith doesn't mean having zero doubt in the future. It means trusting God through the doubt. I find that it takes far more faith to have a fight with God then to ignore him and stop talking to him all together. In the Psalms David and other writers would yell and cry out to God and ask him where he was in this situation. It's okay to be real with God. 

3. Celebrate- celebrate them! Be in that moment and imagine their joy, taking it on as your own. 

I can't even count the amount of baby and bridal showers I have been invited to. It can all get a bit tiresome and the novelty wears off (if you are reading this and you've had a bridal shower or baby shower that I've been invited to, then I obviously don't mean yours, I'm talking about someone else that you don't even know. Your's was lovely). 
How many "guess the flavour chocolate in the nappy" games you can play (the answer is none, this game should never be played, because, gross!) 
I have to remind myself that this moment is not about me. This is a celebration of a life-changing moment and is worth being celebrated. If this person thinks I  am important enough in their lives to invite, then i should make the most of it, buy the gift and celebrate the milestone.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:14 

4. It's not about deserving it's about timing- Timing is everything. 

It can hurt like a mofo when a barely old enough to drive girl marries a gorgeous older man and takes him out of your marriage market (she only just arrived)! What about when someone falls pregnant quite by accident and you've been trying for over a year? Or what about when someone who is completely living off the rails marries a straight up great guy and gets her life together in a matter of minutes? What about when you see your partner's ex married and pregnant before you're even mentioning the M word? 

There is so many times where people get things before you do even though you have put in the time and the hard work. It's like the slacker at work getting a promotion while you feel looked over. It's so unfair! 

And if this were a world where people got what they deserved, then you would have a point. But it's not and you don't. 

Life is about timing not deserving. There are ebs and flows, seasons and weather. I don't make the rules but there they are. 

There is a right time for everything:
a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Ecclesiasticus 3:11

I know for a fact that I would have been a far different wife or mother at 20 then I would be at 33. I have developed patience, cleaning habits, money smarts and value systems now that would cause me to make better choices now. I don't mean that someone who marries or has children young don't learn or can't be as good at what they do, all I mean it that, should I have my time again, I would still not choose that for me. I know that the timing for me in my life, so far, is perfect. I also feel that the person I will marry was not ready for a young relationship either, therefore as older adults this works for us. 

Being a person who plays by the rules may mean you don't get there "ahead" of others but I have to believe that there is a special blessing for those who do it the right way around. Integrity is so incredibly beautiful and such a gift to bring into a marriage or a family. 

5. Don't steal their season or their thunder. 

When my friend Rachel found out that her best friend Monica was engaged she realised how much she had expected to have this moment before Monica. (After all, Monica had been fat in high school.) So, instead of celebrating the engagement, Rachel made out with Monica's brother, whom she used to date, making the whole night about her. She totally stole Monica's thunder! Monica and Chandler were not happy, Ross didn't mind! (Okay so maybe not my actual friends but definitely my F.R.I.E.N.D.S) 

The point is, this is not about you! This is not your moment to shine. This is not the moment to talk about what you would do differently at your wedding or what you would name your baby or how you would parent or have a breakdown in the middle of the room and talk about your broken love life right while the groom is about to give his speech. You will have your time in the sun, this is not it.  You are not losing because they are winning. 

6. Look for the positives- I've talked many times before about the positives of being single, or not having children at the moment or not having the bf propose. There are positives, you know it, I know it, we all know it. I'm not going to bore you with then. But sometimes, when it gets tough and you aren't where you thought you would be, perhaps listing them off will help. 

So I am going to bore you with them (a womans prerogative is after all to change her mind). Sleep-ins, own finances, impromptu trips, not having to tell anyone where you are going or when you will be back, your own TV vegging times, flirting with the guy behind the bar, flirting with the girl who brings you coffee, spending your grocery money on a trip to make up heaven Mecca (or in you guys case, a trip to rebel sports for golf bats or something.... I think we have established that I genuinely don't know what guys like or what sports is) and living off 2 minute noodles and your brothers Netflix account. 

7. Have faith- Sometimes all I have is faith. Faith that God has a purpose for this season. Perhaps my season is to write and encourage others, perhaps it is to discover more about who I am. Maybe there are lessons to learn. Maybe I just need to be more bold in my daily life. I don't know. But I have faith that God has the plan, that his plan is good and that he grants the desires of our hearts to those who love him. 

Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and prayerful always. Romans 12:12

I've loved the shared stories people have been sending my privately and through public means. feel free to share with me how you cope with others seasons. 

Xxx
Shannon 

That's it, I'm done waiting!

I'm done waiting, you should join me.

I have decided it is time I stopped waiting for my prince to come along so we could build our palace together. I have decided to build my own (palace that is, not prince).

I went for a beach stroll with my friend on Saturday. We talked about the changes in our lives and the goals we were setting for ourselves this year. 

She is one of the most secure, independent girls I know, yet when I brought up the subject of building a home by myself she was blown away. She couldn't help but admit that she hadn't thought of getting property because, unconsciously, she was saving that for when she settled down with the man of her dreams. She immediately started making plans to get the piece of land she dreamed of by the sea, to build her cabin. 

Time is a massive jerk! 

Here's the thing friends. If you are waiting to find someone before you buy your house, take your trip or climb your mountain then you are waiting for all the wrong reasons! Time isn't standing still, waiting for you to fall in love, making sure that you are compatible and that you have the same life goals. Time doesn't care that you are planning for your first overseas trip to be your honeymoon or that you have the perfect vision of picking carpet swatches with your wife. Time is a jerk and your next birthday is going to come around like clockwork whether you make those decisions or not. Time doesn't give a rip about your agenda. You will get old regardless. 

It's time to grow up!

Look, if the timing is bad for you because you aren't earning enough or you are working hard at your career or you need to live with your family right now then this is one thing. If you are getting into credit card debt and wasting your money on silly things to make you feel good while you wait... Then you might as well be sitting in a large waiting room playing candy crush. You're gonna spend a whole lot of money on something that is digital, something that quite frankly doesn't exist. Something that will only have a negative impact on your life. I've said it before and I will say it again, candy crush ruins lives! And so do poor choices made from buying things for the wrong reasons. 

Get out of the waiting room!

Enough is enough. Clear your debt, stop living like a 18 year old Uni student (when you are actually 30). Start living the grown up life you dreamed of, with or without your dream person.* 

In the spirit of inspiring you, I have written for you, my beloved singleton, 5 reasons why buying a house is better on your own. 

1. Size doesn't matter. 

My first house will be small. I won't have much of a garden and not much room for a growing family. But who cares?  I'm not growing a family in there. When the time comes I can sell the house or use the equity to buy a bigger house to raise the family. My house is perfect for just me. 

2. You probably won't die in it. 

Following on from point 2, I'm not planning on growing old in the house. It won't fulfil all my needs through my entire life. It's just a stepping stone. This means it doesn't have to have the giant theatre or the 4th bedroom. It doesn't have to be the dream home. It's the "nice for now home". Remember the great house that you grew up in? It probably wasn't the first house your parents ever lived in, they started small and humble so stop trying to replicate that last home lifestyle with your first! Work your way up. My parent's first home cost $38,000 and definitely didn't have air conditioning and stone bench tops.

3. Property is always a wise investment. 

I know some people will tell you that property isn't the way to go. And short term maybe not, but long term, a house in the right location is always a wise choice. You may meet the person of your dreams tomorrow. What you will bring into the relationship is property, equity and something of value that can be rented out if need be. You could bring in bad credit card debt instead if you wanted to i suppose...

4. No poo brown tiles (unless that's what you are into). 

My friend recently built a home with her husband. He has a strong opinion about home decor. Shame that it's a style much suited to 10 years ago. My friend felt she compromised a lot on the design and colours because of his ideas of what looked good. Instead of the wooden floorboards she envisioned, she compromised for brown tiles. Not sure if I could do that. It may not be the style you have to compromise on, but let me make this clear, I got my amazing scullery added and didn't have to worry about the size of the theatre or room for a shed. #winning

5. Queen bee or Top Dog

If you rent out a room to help with the mortgage then you are the boss of the share house. No more tiptoeing around the fact that your housemate doesn't wash their dishes or help with the clean up for rent inspections. No more competing for the queen bee of the home or the alpha male. You are in charge and others have to keep the house to your standards or they are out. Just think of all the power you will then possess!  The ULTIMATE POWEEEER! (Super villain laugh)

Hey look, not everyone earns enough to get a mortgage right now I get it. But is there something in your life you didn't realise you were waiting for? Are you wasting your earnings on things rather than making life decisions that will bring you long term rewards? 

Get out of the waiting room! Start running towards your dreams. Live! Take risks! Make goals. Set yourself targets. Take the road less travelled. Blow your mind! **

You got this! 

Shannon 

xxx

*Notice I didn't say "Perhaps you'll meet your person "out there" on your big mountain or holiday or building your house" this is for four reasons. 

1. Singles hate hearing that crap, as if we don't already think that every day. This is not a new concept for us. We all have internal monologues based around the thought that the time we met The One was when we decided to go to the shops in what we slept in the night before and because of that, The One has decided to live a life of celibacy. 

2. You might not met The One "out there". You might meet The One curled up under your doona... the psych doctor coming to assess your mental stability because you've been in bed for two weeks. Nursing you back to health one spoonful of Ben & Jerry's at a time. To dream the impossible dream. 
Don't stay in bed though, that is the opposite of the point I'm trying to make. Just get on with things, is what I'm saying. 

3. You may think you will meet The One when you are shopping in display homes but do not be deceived... that salesperson is only after one thing and it's in your pants... eww guys, I meant your wallet!

4. Can anyone tell me where "out there" is? I've been told to put myself "out there" more but I'm struggling to find it!

** note to self insert more inspiring quotes here... maybe sporting ones... also, find out what sport is...