A shelf of shoulds

Today I made a coffee, just an instant (a girl has to make do some days) and when I poured in the milk the coffee immediately curdled. Me, being an idiot needed to taste the milk just to be sure it was off. After 4 minutes of vomiting I can confirm it was. I think that’s what regret tastes like. Sour, vomit inducing milk. 

There has been a lot of talk recently, certainly in the circles I’m involved with about a concept called “self-love”. The idea of loving and accepting who we are and testing ourselves well. I’ve liked the idea, I certainly know that I need to work on who I talk to myself and treat myself but honestly, it’s really something I’ve added to my list of shoulds. 

My list of shoulds change from day to day. They include but are not limited to: 

• make my bed each day
• Eat clean
• Exercise 
• Find an NHS doctor
• Go to the dentist 
• Pluck my brows
• Love myself 
• Save money
• Blog more
• Devise a pedicure routine
• Devise a maintenance routine (how do girls stay put together and still, you know, live?) 
• Finish all the unfinished books in my phone
• Call my mum more
• Call friends
• Make new friends 

Everyone has these lists. Things that they know they should be doing instead of reading blogs, watching Netflix, eating ice cream or picking theirtoes. But as life gets busy, as we make commitments to work, family and friends we often put the “shoulds” on the shelf. 

Sadly, we often leave the shoulds on the shelf so long they become “could’ves”. 

I’ve spent my life with a shelf full of “shoulds”. In fact when I lived alone for a year I realised I had accumulated a whole spare room full of “could’ves”. Including but not limited to: 

• exercise equipment 
• Clothes that didn’t fit I had never returned 
• Clothes I no longer fit because I could’ve exercised more
• Half completed craft activities
• Decor for an event business I could’ve put more work into
• Gardening equipment for a garden I could’ve kept alive

You won’t believe how big my bulk rubbish was before I moved out. So much money down the drain. 

My best friend moved to England 10 years ago. Every second year she would come home for Christmas. We would catch up and I would say “I’m going to save and come and see you, I just need to save”. We would talk about what I was going to do when I got there. And then every year I would never make it a reality. I should’ve saved a little each week. I could’ve gone and saw her while she was in England. She lived there for 5 years. But it became a sour could’ve I had put on the shelf. 

As you get older you begin to realise that time passes anyway. Whether you save or don’t, the time will pass. If you exercise or don’t, the same time will pass. You will still be standing there in 5 days, 5 months, 5 years and be wondering why you didn’t just do a little bit day to day. 

I am reading an amazing book “Girl Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis. The first chapter talks about the promises you make to yourself. How she has made the decision to be the last person she breaks a promise to rather then the first. How if you decide that you are not going to let yourself down, that you will be someone who follows through you really start to focus on your commitment. Instead of saying yes to 100 things that week and then not really committing to any of them, your start to value your time and word and commit solidly to a few things. 

So this is what I have decided to do. I’m unpacking my giant bag of “Shoulds” I packed with me from Perth. I’m going to lay them all out and decide what 4 things I can commit to. The rest, I’m throwing in the bin. Because when you love someone you are committed to them, you don’t want to let them down and you don’t lie to them. I’m changing my “shoulds” to “I am committed to’s”. I am choosing to respect my decisions and value them. 

I chose the commitments based on my past regrets. What, if I don’t do it now, will I regret the most once it’s sour? The thing that was the most important was not missing my friends wedding in December. So that is my number one thing I am not breaking a promise about. 

P.S - not all my should’ves have turned to sour could’ves. I did end up visiting my friend. 9 years after she moved, I visited her. She now lives in France and deciding to visit her was the catalyst for the biggest move I ever made a year later. So you know, it was totally worth taking that one off the shelf. 

I looked down... a confession of my wickedness

“Excuse me. I hate to in-in-interrupt everyone’s night but I find myself homeless and without food and I was wondering if anyone had some change or food they m-m-might have spare,” stuttered the young man with dishevelled sandy blonde hair as he held out a shaking hand holding a paper cup. His other hand nervously tapped a pattern against his thigh as the man, not even in his late 20s looked down onto the floor. 

I looked up at the two young men sitting opposite me on the train and one looked back at me. Then we both looked down at our feet.

I wondered if I should, having been told that people ask for change to see you take out your wallet to snatch it. No. That was silly. I was on a crowded and moving train. That wasn’t his intention.

I remembered then that I had only grabbed my bank card that night, I had no change. I had no food to give. 

A young lady next to me handed over some money. A lady behind me reached into her shopping bag for a sandwich and pressed it into his hand.

I continued to look down. 

“Thank you,” he said as he got off at the next stop. 

I continued to look down. 

Shame coursed through my body and expressing itself through the hot liquid welling in my eye. 

I missed my stop. Still I sat there frozen. 

****

This moment haunts me still, days later I think about that man. He eloquent English accent. He stutter. His embarrassment. What dignity he would have to lose to find him self begging for change. For scraps of food. And I, with every benefit and privilege known to man, could not even look him in the eye as a human. 

No, I had no money to give him. But I had the ability to acknowledge him human to human and instead, in fear, I looked down. 

I very well could be in a similar situation if I didn’t have parents who have supported me financially and emotionally. I dread to think where I would be without a mum that made me hand out resumes and pushed me get my first job. I certainly not be in London without knowing that nothing could ever go so terribly wrong that I couldn’t call a family member or friend to help me out. The difference between him and me? While I’m locationally alone. He’s terribly, terribly alone. 

And the reason that what I did was so beyond wrong? So shameful? I had an opportunity to give him a moment where he could connect with a human and not, for that split second, be so terribly alone. And I chose fear over love. I chose myself over him. 

*****

All I can think is that it has to be different next time. I have to be different. 

I’m not sure what it will look like but I’ve started small. 

I’ve packed muesli bars in my bag as well as a section for loose change. 

I’ve decided to look people in the eye and speak to them. If given the opportunity I’ve decided to ask their name and give them mine. I’ve decided to give a little dignity back. 

The social implications of why, how and what they will do with the money is a factor for some. I’ve decided to not let it be a factor for me. As the saying goes. “There but for the grace of God go I”. 

It’s only the beginning. Perhaps I will find a way to make a bigger impact. I just know this, it takes so little to give someone respect. 

Today, on my way to the tube I looked a young man with a scruffy beard and a paper cup and offered him a muesli bar. He looked into blue-green eyes and I looked into blue-as-an-English summer eyes. I acknowledged his humanity. 

I wonder where he sleeps tonight with this thunderstorm crashing down. I hope his belly is less hungry. 

I will not, I can not, continue to look down. I challenge you too. Make a decision to offer someone your respect that hasn’t earnt it. Because we all deserve it. 

Why I’m leaving you...

When I was young my mum took me to a swimming pool. In one of the deep pools, there was a high diving board. I looked at it and in typical Shannon fashion I immediately walked towards it and started climbing up the rungs in the ladder. Higher and higher I climbed and then I stood at the top. I slowly walked out to the edge and stood as the board swayed in the wind, bouncing back and forth by the weight of my 11 year old body. I froze. I hadn’t realised how high it really was. I didn’t realise how far I had to fall. I slowly backed up and holding on so tightly to the railing, I tried to turn around and go down the stairs. A boy was half way up the ladder and was very upset with me for making him go down again. I didn’t care. There was no way I was taking that leap. The rest of the day I watched the big boys jump off the high dive while I swam in the water. I thought I was brave. I wasn’t brave enough that day. 

Being brave is hard. 

3 years ago I went on a trip to Thailand. We went snorkelling through coral, diving off the sides of boats, kayaking through low tide swamps, quad biking and white water rafting. I saw tourist sitting back, staying in the boats, sitting by the shore. I saw them missing out on all the fun. This time I was the brave one. 

Being brave is fun. 

Through a series of events I know that my next daring feat is making a move to London. It’s been in the pipeline for a while. Spurred on by the right conversations with the right people, the community that is gathering at Kingdomcity London, unquestionable support from family and friends and now the loss of my safety net (I lost my job on Thursday), I am applying for my visa in a few weeks time. I hope to be in London in under 3 months. 

I feel again like that little girl standing on top of that high dive tower. This time however, there is no going back. I have to make the jump. 

Because I want you to witness the miracle in motion happening in my life right now I have to tell you exactly where I’m at. I don’t as yet have enough money to apply for my visa. I need to apply before the first of April or pay an additional £1000 pounds. Gulp. 

I have so much faith that this will come to pass. God has me, I know it. I just don’t know how or when it will all come together. 

If you want to be a part of my miracle there are some things you can do. 

1. Pray for me. Pray in particular that I will find enough casual work once my job finishes next week. Pray that my visa goes in smoothly and pray that I find a job before I leave. 
2. Buy a cake or cupcakes off me. If you have a party in April or May and would like a cake then let’s chat. 
3. Hire me to babysit on weekends. I’m a professional kid wrangler. Seriously, they don’t get any better. If you don’t have kids I’m happy to be hired to baby sit you. Dinner with hidden veggies, bed time stores and rocking to sleep? Sure! 
4. My friend put together a go fund me page http://gf.me/u/ha5wbx if you feel lead to bless my trip financially.
5. If you see me, give me a hug and tell me that when I make the leap, I will fly. 

Travel tips from a disorganised over-planner.

_{Travel tips from a disorganised over-planner.}

_{I'm not sure how I project myself to friends and acquaintances, I do hope it's the way I picture to be in the future.}

_{Someone with creativity and drive pouring out of her finger tips. An immaculate house without a speck of dust and no dead flies lying behind tv cabinets. Someone who always puts housework before TV and has an organised linen cupboard. Someone who folds her undies and has completed 15 tasks before dawn. Clearly when I talk about the future I’m talking about a utopian paradise because let’s face it, I’m a hot mess at the best of times. Interestingly (or weirdly) enough, however, I do fold my undies.}

_{There is one thing I can pride myself on though. I am a brilliant holiday planner. In fact I am the ultimate over-planner.} 

_{Holiday planning combines three of my most favourite things:}

_{·          Dreaming}

_{·          Spending money} 

_{·          Pinteresting}

_{I recently got back from an equal parts glorious and exhausting holiday through the UK and France. It was a bucket list trip that made me glow from head to toe. I thought I would share some of my tips and lessons for big adventure travelling that I trialled along the way.}  

_{1.                Packing cubes. These little scraps of netting and zips are worth their weight in gold. In fact, they weigh hardly anything so I would suggest they are worth far more! They are basically little pouches or square shaped net cubes that hold sections of your clothing together. You can pack your clothes in sections and then when you are whipping through your suitcase to find your favourite summer dresses not everything flies everywhere.}

_{2.                Laundry bags. I purchased a pack of 3 from IKEA for a good price. I use this as my washing bag. Ain’t nothing worse than dirty old clothes mixed with new. Also, it means you can quickly throw everything in the wash when you find a laundromat or when you finally get home.}

_{3.                Don't buy the tickets to everything before you go. This over planner did this and then had to rush from one town to another to make sure we made the most of our money and didn’t waste tickets. The savings of 10% ain’t worth the headache. Do however read up on the places you want to see and find out the prices before you go. My silly over-planning brain didn't check the tickets for Lyme Park House and didn't realise until it was too late that it would be closed on the day we were driving past. So sad to say I have, as yet, not seen that famous Mr Darcy in a white shirt lake.}  

_{4.                Be a freebie scab! Every town we went had free walking tours. They were amazing. We learnt about architecture and the great historical moments that happened right where we stood. We went on a ghost tour in Edinburgh and learnt about the terrible and gory past of witch trials and cannibalistic imbeciles. Sometimes the tour guides ask for a tip but it’s really so worth the time spent. We also found so many free and open museums in London with incredible artefacts and famous art works (Van Gogh, ever heard of him?)}

   Free giant sauce packets whaaat?

                                   Free walking Tour in Bath

_{5.                Wear good shoes. I failed here majorly. I ended up with blisters, a sore knee and aching feet because all my shoes are basically novelty shoes. Invest in a pair of boots for anywhere cold (that includes most of England in summer) and supportive sandals for hot places. Mum leant me a pair of crocks that don’t look like crocs and they were heaven until I broke them because they were a bit too tight, sorry Mum.  Also, sorry to the high fashion community that religiously follows my blogs for tips and tricks. I’ve crossed the line from fashion to comfort by recommending Crocs.} 

_{6.                Trust no one that approaches you. If you have ever been shopping with me then you will know that nothing makes my walls come up quite like a someone approaching me to sell me something. Nothing! Times this by a million if I suspect you are a street hustler. I am the Berlin Wall! Nothing is getting past me!}

_{If they are in a tourist area the straight up rule is that they want your money. They want to sell you something, con you out of something or pick your pocket. This is my hard and fast cynical rule for any form of street hustler. Nobody is giving you a free CD. Nobody is giving you a free friendship bracelet, nobody is getting you to sign a free petition and they probably aren’t actually deaf. If they have a talent and you stop and watch then give them some coin (from a separate bag that doesn’t have all your cash). If they are trying to trick you out of money then they deserve to be firmly told no, very very firmly. They are trying to hustle you, you don’t have to be nice. Girls I’m talking to you. you don’t need to be polite!}

_{I had a moment in front of the Eiffel Tower where someone tried to sell me over priced key chains, someone tried to con me with a friendship bracelet, someone tried to make me a sign a petition that states I will give them money then someone tried to pick pocket me all within a space of ten minutes. Oh man, the dressing down those young men got, let’s just say they were reconsidering their career pathways when I was free!}

_{7.                Eat cheap, experience hard. I mean it’s simple really. You can eat just as well on the streets as in the restaurants. Local street food is always the best food plus you pay local prices. Also, it's the best place to buy ice cream.
      Mum and I would often share lunch and agree to go back for more if we needed it. We did this a lot in Paris where we could share a delicious baguette filled with amazing meats, cheeses and salads.}

_{Eating the worlds best salted caramel ice cream in front of the Prince Albert Memorial}

_{Pay for the events that are going to be massive life highlights. You paid a lot to get there so make the milestone moments last. We took open top bus tours with live commentary, we went to West End Twice to see musicals, we toured famous houses and gardens and it was worth every pound/euro spent. The food, well that was just eaten.}

_{Bus tour in Edinburgh}

Bus tour in London 

Boat Tour in Paris

_{8.                Take photos and videos of the funny things not just the arty things. You will forget the silly little moments, the signs, the people. Capture that. The moment we were approached by a busking dog, The Gypsy singing on the train for tips. The steep fall of the escalator of the Underground while buskers played music. . The teenager who had climbed to the top of a famous monument to do a tap dance.} 

_{9.                Take memory moments. When you have taken a couple of photos of the thing you have come all the way to see, make sure you see it. Put your phone away and take photos with your memory camera. Take in the sights, smells, people, conversation, sounds. Catalogue them, be amazed by the fact that you are there in that space in time.}

_{10.           Prepare to bring up conversations starting with “when I was in London” and prepare for absolutely no one to give a rat’s arse about your trip. This is your adventure, not theirs. Don’t let this stop you however, you just went on a massive trip and you have now come back better than 95% of the people you associate with, it’s important they recognise this.}

The Worst Cat in the World

The worst cat in the world. 

This is not a post for animal lovers. As a former pro-cat ambassador I can tell you that I am now pro-choice.... the choice being to love or hate them at your own discretion. 

About 6 months ago my life took a different turn then I had ever taken before. 

After 33 years of living with other people in the house, I was finally getting a house to myself. 

My housemate had decided to move away for work and I started making plans about this new chapter of adulthood. 

As I pictured my house with nobody but me abiding in it, I imagined it to be a mixture of sadness and happiness. While I was excited for the freedom, I worried that I would turn into a hermit or a hoarder without the accountability of someone being there to judge me. I also worried that I would die alone and be found half eaten by Alsatians a month later. But mostly I worried that I would have nobody to talk to. 

I imagined my life coming home from work and I needed something to greet me. I needed something to curl up next to me at night and I needed something to take care of. With no boyfriends on the horizon, I settled on the addition of a furry animal. 

This is what lead me to make a terrible life decision and learn a big fat life lesson. 

I researched and researched and saved my pennies and a week after my housemate had made the big move, I was ready. I had found the breed of cat I wanted to buy, I had decided against adopting from an animal haven (save your judgement, I got my comeuppance don't you worry) and I was ready. However, it was proving to be a very difficult task. I began to get obsessed with finding this perfect animal. 

Every breeder had sold out, lived miles away or didn't reply and I was getting frustrated. How can I have this perfect little single life in my perfect little cottage without my purrfect fur ball kitten? 

So, I stood in church on a Thursday night church meeting and while everyone was praying for their family, their jobs, their health, I'm ashamed to say, I prayed for a kitten. The scary thing about this was that God responded. And in a big way, what not in the way I expected. 

"I don't want you to have one," he said as clear as day. 

He gave me a reason why (which I am still working through and may tell you one day, dear friend, but not today) suffice to say, I was not happy! 

"Okay," I said. 

The same way I would say okay to my mum when she wanted me to clean my room growing up. I had every intention of obeying unless a better option came along. 

Another option came along very quickly. The very next day at 3.30pm I received an email. Someone who I had emailed weeks ago had a kitten ready for me. I finished my work day, rushed down to the pet store, bought a truck load of cat "essentials", and travelled over an hour drive to pick up my new little mate. 

The Sweet Harmless little thing

The whole way there I blared loud music and ignored any inner dialogue that was knocking at the door questioning my decision. The whole way back, with my new kitten on board, I had a rock weight in my stomach. 

“Desire without knowledge is not good— how much more will hasty feet miss the way!”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I had rushed into this decision with hasty feet. I knew what I wanted and I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way. I was going against the knowledge I had been given. I knew in my guts it was wrong.

The cat, a little boy kitten called Harvey was a cute little ball of terror. He was aggressive, possessive, anxious and destructive. He fretted when I left the house and showed me by weeing on my furnishings when I got home. The worst thing, however, wasn't his behaviour but my intense and prolonged allergies to him. 

Harvey's True Nature

If anyone asked me about how it was going I'm pretty sure I lied straight to their face. How could I tell them I didn't want to go home, that I regretted the whole thing? I was pro-cat, but this thing was satan's spawn. 

Long story short, 4 weeks later, with scratches up my arms, a severe cough and sinus issues and urine soaked furnishings on the kerb side, I placed a gumtree advert for the little menace and re-homed the kitten to a lovely couple. I still carried my residual allergy symptoms on 3 weeks later. 

I learnt a huge lesson those few weeks, a lesson that I hope to carry through for the rest of my life. To listen and obey. 

“Jesus replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭11:28‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I count my blessings that my life lesson could be taught with the example of a kitten rather then something far more serious. I could have kept the cat, life would have gone on, but the truth was evidently clear. Blessing abound for those who listen and obey.

I would like to think that this was a lesson put in place so that the next time I hear the voice to stop that I do and prevent something far more damaging from happening in my life.

I heard it said the other day. 

"Go as if life is giving you the green light but be on the look out for the red!" 

When you chose to be a believer and put your life in God's hands you need to go but you also need to listen. Just because you think something is right for you, doesn't mean it is. 

For those who are wondering, I am loving this home situation sans-pet. I have found that life has become very peaceful and quiet. I have ensure I have stayed in touch with friends but I also enjoy my time of serenity. This season is sweet, rewarding and blessed. And who knows what is in store just around the corner... I just have to go and obey! 

Have you ever had the red light moment with God and went for is anyway? What does that red light look like or feel like to you? For me it is a rock in the stomach and deep knowing that it isn't right. 

Maybe you are going though something similar right now. It's never too late to stop and figure out what it is. Sometimes your breakthrough is waiting at the crossroads of the last thing God directed you to do. Maybe it's time to back track and realign with God's plans that he has for you. It's never too late to fix it all up. (You might just have to throw away a few soiled cushions). 

Xxx 

Shannon